2015 Update

Wow! It has been almost 2 years since I have updated this! I just wanted to post a quick update. I am still cancer-free and am doing great. I am officially a Registered Nurse and am working at a wonderful hospital on a unit that I love. I feel that I am able to really connect with my patients and really advocate for them after being a patient myself just 4 years ago. I love this career! As far as my health goes, there are times when I feel pretty tired or fatigued, and I am not sure if that is a residual effect from my cancer treatments or just because I am working full-time 12 hour shifts and in a full-time baccalaureate program getting my BSN. 

I have spoken to other cancer survivors who have said that years after finishing their cancer treatments that they still experience some unpleasant side effects such as chronic fatigue. 

At my last appointment with my oncologist, we decided no more CT scans unless I feel that I need one due to any symptoms that are concerning to me. The reason is because she does not feel that I should be exposed to too much radiation since it is cancer causing. Also, she said the chance of relapse at this point is rare and I would most likely detect any symptoms of cancer returning first. Something that I feel is important for other women who have gone through radiation treatment, especially for cancer in the chest like I had, is to ask your healthcare provider about when you should get a mammogram. Because I was exposed to radiation treatments in my chest, my healthcare provider has recommended that I start getting mammograms when I am 35 years old since radiation treatment to the chest area can increase the risk of getting breast cancer. 

I hope that people are still reading my blog and finding it helpful! I really enjoy getting emails from many of you who have reached out to me! Thank you so much! xo

Time flies when you're havin' fun!

Hello to all who are still reading this! I cannot believe that it has been so long since I have posted an update. Time really does go by so quickly, especially when life is busy. So much has happened since my last post...

For starters, I got into nursing school! I just successfully completed my first semester, so am 25% done. It has been so amazing. I am really enjoying every moment of it, even the times when it is stressful and busy. It is definitely my "calling." For those who do not know, I switched to nursing from pharmacy because after my experience with cancer I would like to work as an oncology nurse someday. That would be my ultimate dream. I have been an oncology patient, so feel like I can give so much back to others in the same situation that I was in. 

Did I mention that school is 2 hours from where I was living? So I have also moved since my last post. It was hard in the beginning to be away from my family and friends, but I am just loving being on my own (well with my cat too). I see my family as often as I can, and have adjusted to living away quite well. I love my new bachelorette pad, and have met such amazing people where I am now living.

And the BEST, most fantastic news and update of all, is that I just had my 2 year scan the other day and I am still cancer-free! I feel that I am somewhat in the safe zone now, since the chance of relapse is highest in the first 2 years. My chance of relapsing now is a lot less. BIG relief.  

Thank you to those who are still reading this. I hope that if you are somebody who is newly diagnosed and have come across my blog, that it will bring you comfort to know that not only does life go back to normal...but it gets even BETTER! I would have never imagined that I would be where I am today when I was first told of my diagnosis. Things have an interesting way of working out for the best. I can honestly say that I would not change any part of this whole experience.


Some recent pics. :) 

p.s.) I finally feel like my hair is really growing fast! It has come back much thicker and healthier than before. 

Me and my friend Ale.

Pumpkin patch fun. 

And I had to add one of my cat Finn, enjoying our cozy new home!

Happy one year cancerversary to me!

It's been a while since I've updated this, so I thought I would write a short entry. I've thought about discontinuing this blog altogether since I've had no time to update it and there really isn't too much to update about these days anyway. But then I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with cancer (which was already a year and a half ago!) I would read people's blogs and as soon as their treatments ended, so did their blog entries. Well...being newly diagnosed with something as horrific as cancer and not knowing much about it, I was scared when I saw that nobody updated after their treatments and I was curious how they were doing afterward and whether they stayed in remission or not. So I have decided to keep my blog up and try updating every now and then until I at least hit my second year in remission. Plus, according to my stats, I am still getting page views daily, which is great! :) 

Things have surprisingly fallen back into place pretty quickly. Upon first being diagnosed and during my treatments, I honestly couldn't even imagine living a "normal" life again. I did not think that I would ever get over the fact that I had gone through something so horrible and be able to move on from it. How could I ever get over something like that? Well, I'm glad that I didn't get stuck in that mindset and that I've been able to move forward. Life is too short to waste worrying about something that I have no control over anyway, right? I will admit that during scan time, my attitude on this can definitely change. Scan time, which is every 6 months, brings out stress & anxiety that I luckily do not always have. But there is nothing worse than "scanxiety," I'm sure all cancer patients would agree with me on that. And speaking of scans, my latest one in June came back clear! My next one is scheduled for early December...fingers crossed for a clear one on that as well. I just hit the one year mark of being in remission and I think as I get closer to that magical 2 year mark, my worrying about relapse will ease up (I am highest risk for relapse within the first two years after treatment). I have returned to school and have been working so hard to finish the last science classes that I have left, and I have been doing really well in them...maybe even better than before cancer. I'm just so much more focused and determined than ever before. I feel like I now know what my purpose is, and this has motivated me tremendously.

My attitude and outlook on life is so different now than it was pre-cancer...and in a good way. Why couldn't I feel this way without having to have gone through all of that? Well that's something I will never know the answer to, and I'm becoming more and more ok with that. I wish I could say that after battling (and winning) cancer, that I don't stress out or let the little things get to me, but that would be a big lie. I can say though, that I have learned to be a much more understanding, caring, and compassionate person, and I've realized that the things that I thought were "important" before are actually not very important at all.

Yes, having cancer is one of the worst things imaginable, and I hate the fact that I sometimes feel like I have this sort of "baggage" that I'm carrying around, but I'm learning to own it. My life is forever changed, but I am enjoying the gift of seeing life from the other side of the coin. Most people will live their entire lives and never get to see it the way that I now do. There are things to be thankful for everyday. 

The picture below represents so much to me. The picture to the left was taken about 4 months prior to my cancer diagnosis, the one in the middle was taken during my battle (obviously), and the one on the right was taken just last month (notice the growing hair, lol). I used to be embarrassed of the middle picture and thought I would never let anybody see it, but I am actually really proud of it now. This picture symbolizes who I was before cancer, and what I overcame to become who I am now.

Cheers to a HEALTHY 2012.

I finished chemo about 7 months ago, and finished radiation close to 5 months ago. The time has surprisingly gone by really fast! Things are pretty much returning to normal at this point. I started back at school this week (I was doing online classes during chemo/radiation). And I have also started working out at the gym taking spin and cardio kickboxing classes for the last few weeks. Starting at the gym again was not fun or easy at first, but it's getting easier each time I go. It has felt amazing to be back again, I just feel so much stronger already. I have also started eating really "clean" and as organic as possible. That has made me feel so much better also! There are a few lingering side effects that will hopefully go away or get better in time. One of them is that out of nowhere, my fingers get completely numb and tingly and turn pale white. It is so annoying! And I also still deal with the fatigue. I notice that I have to be careful not to overdo it, or I am exhausted for days after and have to try catching up on rest.

After my last scan in December, which came back clear, my cancer anxiety has really subsided. The worrying about it coming back is still there at times, but is definitely not in the front of my mind like it was just last month. I am trying to pick my life back up and "live" and enjoy every moment that I can. It's weird to go through all that I have and then just have things return to normal...it's like, what was the point of all of that? Why did that have to happen to ME? Hopefully there is a really important life lesson that I will learn from all of it, and I'll be able to help other people learn from my experience as well.


There have recently been some changes in my personal life regarding the relationship that I was in. Normally I'm a pretty private person about that stuff, but I feel like the whole point of this blog from the very beginning has always been to be 100% honest about my ENTIRE "cancer journey," and since I was in a relationship the whole time up until recently, it's something I feel I should bring up. I refuse to blame cancer for the deterioration of that relationship. After having cancer, I am just so much more aware of how selfish people can be and I refuse to have people like that in my life. I only want to be surrounded by people who are going to bring goodness and joy to my life. It is impossible to go through cancer and be in a relationship with somebody whose main concern is only themselves. There were so many things that got swept under the rug because I felt that maybe my cancer was hard on him, and that he didn't know how to take it or act toward me. I am not into ex-boyfriend bashing at all, and that is not what I am trying to do here!

I understand that being with someone who is going through a cancer diagnosis is not easy at all. It definitely takes a REAL man who is caring and patient to do so. But I was wrong for making so many excuses for somebody who should not have stayed with me during that time to begin with, and should have left the relationship in the beginning of my diagnosis when I suggested it. I know that it is not a good position to be in, to have your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly diagnosed with cancer, but I do KNOW that if I were not the person with the cancer, but instead the girlfriend of someone diagnosed with cancer, that I would be there for them 100% of the time. I would not remind my boyfriend as he lay in bed sick after chemo that he used to work out at the gym. I would not ask when he will be wearing "hot" clothing again like he used to while he's in the middle of fighting for his life. I would not complain about petty & shallow things such as my "weird looking toe" and wanting to have surgery on it to my boyfriend whose only wish is to win his battle with cancer and live a full life. When going to spend the night with my boyfriend who is going through chemo and dealing with the gnarly side effects such as insomnia, I would not lay there complaining about the t.v. being on low and the dim light bothering me. IF my sick boyfriend wanted to get out of the house on his "good week" during chemo, I would not complain about having no money, especially when he would be just as happy (if not more) going on a walk or a bike ride...which are both FREE. I would not start a trendy diet as my boyfriend is going through chemo, instead I would be laying next to him drinking a milkshake. And most importantly, I would not choose going out to bars & clubs while my boyfriend lay in bed sick with cancer, wondering whether he is going to live or die. I would be right there with him even if he suggested I hang out with my friends, reassuring him that WE will get through this together, and I would make sure he knew that if he could not be out having fun at bars and clubs, than I wouldn't want to either. 
I was told upon diagnosis that cancer will be the ultimate test in determining the strength of a relationship, and obviously mine was not strong at all. I am not trying to bash anyone, I am just talking about my experience, and hopefully others going through cancer and in relationships can learn from it. 


2011 was an extremely difficult, tough, stressful, emotional and challenging year for me. With the diagnosis & treatment of cancer and the end of a relationship, I can only HOPE that 2012 will bring many wonderful & positive things my way.

First scan post chemo & radiation

Hi all! Sorry for the lack of updates, but I just haven't had too much to talk about...which is good! I feel like I have had lots of thoughts/feelings to talk about, but when I start writing them I get overwhelmed and decide not to write anything at all. I mentioned in my last post, that life after cancer is a lot harder than I had expected. Although I am adjusting, it is still not easy. There are so many worries and thoughts that I have to deal with that it can be exhausting. Physically, I am not back to "myself" yet. I get easily fatigued, I've had shortness of breath with a cough, and have really achy and sore muscles. Have I mentioned that I HATE my hair? I'm sure I have. It is growing, but just looks weird! I am still wearing my wigs when I am out, but just got my hair trimmed and I will hopefully be brave enough to wear it in public soon with no wig. All I can hope for is that this all gets better in time.

I just had my first CT scan yesterday since finishing both chemo and radiation. The stress and anxiety of that scan were almost unbearable. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who kept me busy all weekend so that I would be distracted from thinking too much about it. I seriously don't know what I would do without my amazing friends and family! I had my scan yesterday at 8:00 am and received the results in the late afternoon. Great news...my scan came back CLEAR! No cancer...which is the best news I could ever ask for!

The sort of bad news is that it shows a "small patchy area of groundglass opacity in the left lower lung." According to my CT scan report, this could be due to pneumonia or possible post radiation pneumonitis. I am a little upset at my Oncologist that he did not even mention this patchy area on my lung to me...I found it on the report and had to bring it up to him first. He then wanted me to speak to my Radiation Oncologist about it. According to my Radiation Oncologist, since I have been experiencing shortness of breath with a cough, I most likely have pneumonia. She wants me to have another CT scan in two months to see if it is gone. All of this stuff scares me! Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing serious and will resolve itself and get better soon. If anybody else who reads my blog has experienced "groundglass opacity" in their lung(s) post cancer treatments, please comment below.

Life post cancer...a heads up would've been nice.

It has been almost two months since finishing my cancer treatments, and since then I have felt like I just needed a break from really thinking too much about cancer, which included writing in this blog. During treatments I was eager to read, write, and think about my cancer...a lot...but after finishing treatments I was just a little burnt out, and felt like I didn't have any energy for it. I still feel this way, but wanted to update the people who read my blog on how life has been for me "post cancer." And to be honest, life after cancer is NOT easy at all...it's freaking hard! Why didn't anyone warn me? I have been struggling with adjusting to life after cancer immensely. One of my biggest struggles has been getting people to understand how I feel about all that I've been through...and it hasn't been easy. I feel a definite lack of understanding. Most people have the attitude that I am "done" with cancer now and should be able to move on and not think about it anymore. Those people couldn't be more wrong. I have a constant worry and anxiety about my cancer coming back, and death has been on my mind more now, than any other time during this horrendous "journey." I am still shocked sometimes to even say "I had cancer." It just seems unreal, and like it was all just a horrible nightmare. I don't want to dwell on all that I've been through, but I am still fresh out of treatments, so it's hard not to think about it. The uncertainty of future scans is extremely scary and anxiety producing for me. I feel like I am expected to just forget that I had cancer and move on with my life, and I really don't know how to do that...

From the outside, everybody says how great I look and how well I'm doing. Even my Oncologist says I'm doing great. But I feel like saying, "HOW do you know that I am doing great??!!!" I really don't feel that way. Just because I am not acting like an emotional mess in front of people does not mean that I am doing/feeling "great." I'm not saying that I am not appreciative of my "cancer-free body," but I can't seem to kick this feeling that brings a lump up in my throat from just thinking about the fact that I've even had to go through any of this.    

I'm left now with jacked up looking hair, scars all over my chest from my lymph node biopsy and port surgeries, my constant muscle aches and pains (from chemo), and the non-stop exhaustion and weakness that I feel...I know that it can always be worse, and I'm not trying to be negative, but it just sucks. I'm taking my time to heal and fully process all that I've been through, and it might take me longer than most people would like, but I can't worry about other people right now. Other than the small group of amazingly supportive people I have had in my life, I have sadly also experienced the complete opposite. There have been some who have been completely selfish. It's pretty sad and pathetic if you ask me. Having cancer has definitely taught me many things about people, and it's scary how when it comes down to it, there are really only a handful who genuinely care. In the beginning I had to deal with the initial shock of diagnosis, and then I was numb during treatments...definite survival mode, and now I am dealing with all of these different emotions and feelings after cancer. I know it will all be fine, like everybody tells me, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
 
Here is a recent pic of my hair. It is growing in pretty good, just not as fast as I would like it to. I am using Nioxin shampoon & conditioner, leave in conditioner by RevitaLash, and taking hair vitamins along with extra biotin. I'm not sure if any of this is helping, but I continue to do it just in case :) A lot of people have asked if my hair is any different, since it usually grows in a different color or texture after cancer, but I can't really tell yet. So far, it seems the same to me as before.

I kicked cancer to the curb.

I am pleased to say that I have officially made it through cancer and all of the nasty treatments it requires to get rid of it! I had my last radiation treatment one week ago today, and it feels beyond wonderful to be done. Radiation and chemo are so different...I don't feel that they can even be compared to one another. Radiation is definitely no walk in the park, but if I can get through it....or any of this, so can anybody else. The side effects that I have experienced from radiation are a very red chest, major fatigue, esophagus pain and some trouble swallowing. For the red skin, I've been using the gel from an aloe vera plant to put on the affected skin, that helped a lot! I also made sure to keep the area really moisturized with lotion. Unfortunately there is nothing to take to help with the fatigue, so I've just made sure to rest as much as I need to, and have tried listening to my body, making sure not to overdo it. For the esophagus pain, I was given some lidocaine (which numbs) to mix with Maalox, and I took that as needed before eating. I am still having some pain swallowing even now, a week later. I heard it will last a few weeks. 

I had an appointment with my Oncologist last week for the first time since finishing chemo. He set up an appointment to have my port removed last Friday, which I was a little hesitant to do since the chances of relapsing from Hodgkin's is the highest in the first 18 months...but my Doctor said I'm not going to relapse and it's fine to remove it now...I guess he is also a psychic on the side? I should just be happy that he is so confident...I'd be more happy if he wasn't checking and responding to other patients emails during my 15 minute appointment with him. I couldn't imagine doing chemo without a port...I don't know how people do it. I've had some horrible pain in both of my arms, mostly when I wake up in the morning, and my Doctor said that that is just my "souvenir" from chemo...lucky me?!! He said it "should" go away within the next year. We also figured out a "post-cancer plan," I will get my blood drawn every 3 months, and then I will have a CT scan done in December, and after that I will have one every 6 months for the next 3 years. God I hope that it NEVER comes back. I asked my Doctor about nutrition and supplements that I should be taking for my new "cancer-free body," and he said to just do what any other 26 year old girl does. So I asked to be referred to a Dietitian or Nutritionist...clearly there is no way I can treat my body like any other girl my age after all that I have gone through to be healthy again....I want to "keep" my new healthy body from ever having cancer again! Or at least do all I can to help it stay cancer-free...

A few people have asked what my plan is now that I am done with cancer...and my response to that is I will NEVER be done with cancer. Sadly, it is something that will be embedded in my life forever and will constantly be in the back of my mind. But I refuse to let it take over my life. Thinking about all that I've been through the last 6 months makes my head spin. It is completely overwhelming and just seems like a horrible nightmare. It's funny, everybody tells me how strong I am, which is the best compliment...but I don't really feel that I've been strong at all. You either choose to be positive and get through the treatments the best you can....or you can let it bring you down to a dark place you don't want to be. I just chose the more positive route.

I have some time off of work, and I plan on taking this time to heal (physically, mentally, emotionally) and hopefully rebuild some strength that I lost. I am a true believer that anybody who goes through cancer treatment of any sort, should take the time their body needs to recuperate when they are finished and in remission. It is good to start living life normally again, but life is anything but normal after what I've been through. Post-cancer treatment healing should be required if you ask me, it's just part of the whole process of getting better. A lot of people jump right back into their normal life once treatment is done, but I am going to do anything in my power to prevent a relapse...which means taking great care of myself and restoring my health.

I wanted to give a little update on my "hair situation." I now have a full head of hair...well almost! It has filled in so much and is almost wearable as a short "do!" It looks kind of like a little boys haircut, but I am just glad that it's growing more. I am still wearing my wig and hat combo, but CANNOT wait until I no longer have to. My brows and lashes never fell out completely, so those have just started growing in normally again. They both got really sparse, but are filling in more. My wonderful sister bought me RevitaLash, which is supposed to really help the lashes grow longer and get fuller...I'm excited to see how that works! And I finally had to go get my brows waxed because they grew in so fast. The pic to the right is from a couple of weeks ago.

Although I will not have anything to update on here as far as my treatments go, I will be sure to update on how everything is going for me in my adjustment to life "after cancer." I just want to say, the support that I have received through this "journey" has been so amazing! My family, friends, and even strangers have given me so much love and encouragement...Thank you all SO much for that!! I appreciate it so so so much!!!

p.s.) September is Lymphoma awareness month! Wear Violet in support of it! :)