7 chemo treatments under my belt...1 more to go!

I finished chemo #7, and now have just one more to complete on June 23rd! Hopefully that will be my last time EVER receiving any type of chemotherapy. This whole experience has been horrible, and especially as I get closer to finishing, it has just gotten worse and worse. I was told by my Doctor that I will have a PetScan done sometime at the end of July to check my progress and make sure the chemo has killed all of those nasty cancer cells...GOD I hope it did! I honestly do not think that I can endure more chemo than I already have. Just the thought of chemo #8 makes me ill to think about. This will be my first scan since starting chemo, and to be honest, it completely terrifies me!! The thought of having to wait and receive those results gives me a full on panic attack. Assuming everything is clear, I will then move on to radiation. I should be starting that in August at some point, and will find out the exact number of treatments after the results of my PetScan come back. 

I've experienced horrible pain in my esophagus once again...what's new? But this has definitely been the worst it has been so far. I finally convinced my Oncologist that a burning/painful esophagus is NOT good, so he gave me some liquid Carafate to take 4 times a day...which has really not done much for my poor esophagus at all. The pain was so intense on Sunday night that my mom had her purse in hand and was ready to drive me to the emergency room. I am completely against sharing prescription medications...but was willing to try anything to avoid a dreadful night in the E.R., so I tried one of my dad's Protonix (used to treat GERD) and was so happy that it eased the pain and burning rather quickly and I was able to avoid a hospital visit. Don't worry my pharmacy friends...I will be getting a prescription of my own for it :) 

My anti-nausea medications have continued to stop me from vomiting (although I still feel nauseous), but like with most meds. can bring on a whole new bout of side effects....to be honest, they make you completely constipated! Sorry if that's a little too much info. but I have vowed from the beginning to keep this blog real...and that's what I am going to continue to do. So I am then forced to take more meds. to help with those side effects...see how this can just keep going on and on? Never ending! You basically have to treat one side effect with a medication that then gives you another side effect, etc... I've also dealt with the intense muscle aches & pains, mostly under my arm pits and my neck...they get really swollen and sore to touch. My Doctor said that this is caused by one of the chemo drugs that I receive (Vinblastine). Have I mentioned that I cannot wait to be done with all of this??

Some good news...I got a lung function test done last week before chemo #7 to see how my lungs are holding up from all of this toxic chemo I've been getting, and my results came back good! Or at least good enough to finish up chemo and not have to take out the Bleomycin (one of my chemo drugs I receive that is very toxic to my lungs). I also had some more blood work done before chemo #7, and my white blood cell count is still pretty good, no need for any shots to boost it so far...which is great news.

A few people who I have met that are survivors of cancer have told me that having cancer and going through this "journey" actually turned out to be a blessing for them. I am definitely not ready to say that it has been a blessing to go through any of this, but I will say that some things have become more clear than before I had cancer and there are some positive things that have come out of it that I want to acknowledge...

•  Although I was quite appreciative before, I am now even more thankful for the wonderful family and friends that I have in my life. The support and love that I have received has been overwhelming & amazing, and I am forever thankful. Having cancer has allowed me to quickly distinguish those who really care about me, from those who do not.  
• Since I was first diagnosed with cancer I have had friends, friends of friends, neighbors, etc. that immediately put me into contact with other people they knew who have either already battled cancer, or are still in the middle of battling it. Having these people to reach out and talk to has been so amazing. I have been able to form my own little support group, and am able to compare other people's experiences with my own. I find all of these people to be so inspirational, and if I had not been diagnosed with cancer, I would most likely never have had the opportunity to get to know any of them. 
• I now know just how fragile life is. Tomorrow really is not guaranteed, so it is important to get the most out of life. I feel that I truly know what is important in my life, and this experience has allowed me to reassess some of my goals and what I want for my future.
•  Even with as awful as this has been for me, I have seen that it can always be worse. No matter how bad you think that you have it or how terrible your situation is, there is almost always somebody else out there who has it way worse than you. This has made me want to be kinder and more patient with people, because you never know what somebody else is going through. When I have my wig on and am out getting some coffee or lunch, nobody would ever be able to tell that I am a cancer patient in the middle of chemotherapy. 

• I will never take feeling good and having energy for granted. After knowing what it feels like to truly feel rundown and sick, I have such a great appreciation for the times that I feel well and "healthy." Cancer has taught me to not take your good health for granted. Although I have cancer at 25, I had no symptoms before being diagnosed, and feel that I did not truly appreciate being healthy and active...until now. 

Thank you so much again to all of my family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers, neighbors, other cancer survivors, strangers, etc. that have been so awesome and showed me so much love and support! Everybody has been so great to me! I have received cards in the mail, emails, phone calls, text messages, etc. and they all mean SO much to me. It is such a great feeling when I get comments on here or emails from people who have stumbled upon my blog who are also fighting cancer or who are the family member of somebody who has cancer, and they say that this blog has helped them...it's the BEST feeling. 

Even though I am the one fighting cancer, it is a great feeling to know that I have so much support behind me...it really makes me feel like I am not fighting this alone. 

I just want to add on here that I am doing a walk on October 22nd for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. It is called Light The Night Walk, and I have heard from other people who have previously participated that it is such a great event. I have never participated in an event where I attempt to raise money for a cause, but have heard so many wonderful things about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and trust that the money being raised is truly going to move them closer to finding a cure for blood cancers, and helping people like myself. If you are interested at all in donating any amount, just go to the link below, this is my fundraising page. Or if you prefer, you could do the walk yourself and set up your own fundraising page!

http://pages.lightthenight.org/sac/Sacra11/SHolmes

Thank you so much!

6th chemo down...2 more to go!

There is some light at the end of the "chemo tunnel!" I had my 6th chemo treatment on Thursday May 26. I had such a hard time getting myself ready for this treatment because absolutely every ounce of me did NOT want to go. You see, the good thing is I now know what to expect with each chemo treatment....and the bad thing is I now know what to expect with each chemo treatment. Even thinking of and typing that word makes me queasy. I am just really starting to dread the entire process...I'm not saying that I didn't absolutely dread it before, but it has definitely gotten a lot worse with each round...if that's possible. 

The day of my chemo treatment is always so depressing. I normally have it at about 2:30 p.m. so I'm pretty much spending those days waiting until that time to go get "poisoned." When I get to the Oncology department is when the reality sets in that I am a "real" cancer patient arriving to my chemotherapy appointment...not a good feeling. The whole atmosphere is pretty dreary. I am always the youngest patient there, so often get lots of stares directed my way. And the waiting area is just packed full of people, and most look so sick and lifeless...not that I look much better, but it just makes the whole setting seem mournful. When I am called back to get my chemo treatment, the sick feeling in my stomach really starts up. I am given anti-nausea medications to stop me from feeling nauseous/vomiting, and then the nurse gives the pharmacy the "okay" to put together my 4 drug chemotherapy combo. The nurse cleans, numbs, and "accesses" my port and then gets ready to start pumping me full of the yucky drugs. During my last chemo, even the sight of these drugs made me want to vomit...especially the bright reddish pink one (Adriamycin). I have no idea how I am going to get through 2 more treatments without getting sick. Everything about chemo makes me feel disgusting and nauseous. It's like going out drinking shots of tequila ALL night and then getting sick from it and thinking about what you drank the next day...complete stomach turn and watery mouth...UGH!

With chemo #6, I again did not feel the horrible side effects until about Sunday night. My face started to turn a dark orange/red color, my skin started to feel irritated, my stomach got really queasy, esophagus burned horribly, hands & feet were tingly, severe pain in my neck & chest, and I felt weak, tired, & lethargic. This lasted until today before it has started to slowly wear off...and I have been HATING every second of how I have felt. My sense of smell is so strong, and my taste buds are dull. Nothing tastes right, even water has the nastiest taste! It is so hard to drink a lot of water during those really bad days because it tastes like chemicals to me. 

On a more positive note, my white blood cell count has been good enough that I have not had to get any shots to boost it...I heard they are very painful. Often times, people's chemo treatments gets postponed due to a low white blood cell count, but my counts have been hanging in there pretty good so I have not had to postpone any treatments. Also, my hair has started to grow back. It is very sparse, but it seems to be getting longer. It still looks ridiculous so I often wear a wig or a head scarf when I go anywhere. I was concerned about it growing back since I am still going through chemo and thought that since cells are dying, nothing should be growing yet...but when I asked my Doctor about it he said it is normal...hopefully he is right, since he also said that my burning esophagus is "GOOD," obviously he has never felt the pain of a burning esophagus, because there is nothing good about it. 
  
One of the many hard parts of having cancer and going through chemo is trying to make people understand just how sick and exhausted I feel from my treatments. No matter how I try to explain it, nobody will fully know unless they experience it themselves. Fortunately, most people in my life have been SO amazing and understanding...I appreciate them so much. If I had to choose something positive that has come with having cancer, it is that I truly know now who my "real" friends & family are, and will forever be grateful to those people & keep them close in my life.
I am surprised by some people that I know who have not even said one word to me through this (I think that it is always better to say something rather than nothing), or there have been those who have not been very understanding when I haven't felt well enough to attend an event or hang out like I used to. As much as I would love to continue living life normally right now...my life is anything but that. Don't get me wrong, I love to try doing "normal" things when I am feeling well enough and have the energy to do so, but I am just surprised that some people have acted upset or mad at me when I have not been able to, it really is so selfish of them...and at this point I have no room in my life for selfish people. It is not like I am just battling a cold here...I am battling something much more serious. I don't expect people to treat me "special," but just have some respect for how I may be feeling from my treatments and not get offended or take it personally if I pass on an invite. 

My next chemo (#7) is on Thursday June 9th, please send lots of good thoughts my way :) 
I wish so badly that I was already finished and had no more chemo treatments left...but I'm just grateful to be in the homestretch. I am really hoping that radiation is a breeze compared to chemo...from what other people have told me, it's about 50/50. About half have said it is super easy compared to yucky chemo....and the other half have said it was worse. Each person's experience is so different, I guess I will just have to find out for myself. Thank you SO much again for all of the good thoughts and prayers!! They are VERY much appreciated!!

5th Chemo down...

I now have 5 chemo treatments down...and 3 more to go....followed by some intense radiation therapy :( I am trying my best to stay positive and look to the finish line, but the chemo seems to just be getting harder on me. I had more of a delayed response with this last treatment. The gnarly side effects normally hit me the hardest on the Saturday after each chemo, this time it hit me bad on Sunday night and are still going. I absolutely HATE chemo! It is horrible and makes me feel so awful! I feel bad saying that in a way, because without it, my prognosis would not be good. But the thing about chemo that people looking from the outside don't realize is just how harsh it is on the body, and just how bad it makes a person feel. The most frustrating part is trying to communicate that to somebody else. There truly are no words to fully describe the extremity and complete disgustingness that chemo makes me feel. 

I seem to still be battling the same cold as last week, it seems better than it was, but I noticed last night that my sore throat and congestion are coming back again. I am REALLY hoping that my cold is not coming back...that was awful and it imposed on my "good week" that the chemo usually wears off and I would have gotten to do some "normal" things. 


All of this cancer stuff can really be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting on a person. Sometimes it seems like it is just too much to fully comprehend...or maybe that's just my "chemo brain?" I have been going through all of the motions to get better without really stopping and thinking about it too much...until recently, and to be honest, even though Hodgkin's is deemed the "good cancer," if there really is such a thing...it SCARES me to death. Mostly just the anxiety of future scans and other adverse reactions from the chemo and radiation. I am trying my best to just take it one day at a time and not over analyze everything like I tend to do so often...but that can be tough. 


For my friends and family who do not have facebook, here is a pic from the Susan G. Komen "Race for the Cure" walk that I did end up participating in, sick & all! Probably why I am still sick!! But it was worth it! Such a great cause and a fun event to be a part of. 

I will definitely be participating in many upcoming Lymphoma walks and races! I am already starting a page "Team Stephy" for the "Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Light the Night Walk" in October! I would love for all of my friends and family to participate with me! :)

Chemo + a yucky virus= NO bueno!

It has been one week post chemo, and usually this is when I would start feeling slightly better from all of the grueling side effects of chemo...but as my "fantastic" luck would have it, I am laying in bed fighting off some sort of flu or horrible cold. It is one thing to be sick, but mix that with the awful feeling that chemo leaves on you and that equals one horrible combo! 

The frustrating part is that I have been so careful not to get sick. I sanitize and wash my hands like a crazy person, and have been super cautious not to touch public doors, etc. I was warned to be extra careful during chemo since my white blood cell count is low, but what do they expect people to do, live in a bubble? There is only so much that I can do to protect myself from getting sick, unless I strictly stay confined in my house at all times...which is not reasonable. I am already spending so much time at home, I have no idea how I could have gotten sick in the first place! On the days that I am feeling more like "myself" (which is usually a week & a half after each chemo session) I normally throw on a wig...yes I am trying to be funny...and I attempt to get out of the house away from my bed that I lay in so often watching t.v. and reading, and just run an errand, have lunch or dinner with my sister or boyfriend, or meet a friend for coffee. My energy level has dropped drastically, and I can't do too much without getting completely wiped out, but I like to take advantage of the times that I am feeling well enough to get out for at least a little bit. I have found out the hard way that I have to be careful not to "overdo" it. A few times I have run a few too many errands and ended up feeling so weak and tired that I have had to sit down right in the middle of an aisle at a store...stupid fatigue. 

My Oncologist has called in an antibiotic for me and I was told to take TheraFlu along with that...I am really hoping that helps with this darn cold or flu that I have since I am supposed to be walking in the Susan G. Komen walk on Saturday, and I am very determined to go...even if my sister has to wheel me in a wheelchair for those 3 miles! :)

I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful family that has helped me so much through all of this...especially my mom. I honestly do not know how I would be able to deal with this situation without her. The rest of my family has been so great as well...but you just can't replace the comfort of your mother. She comes to all of my appointments with me, offers to cook me whatever it is that I am craving, is always there for me to cry on when I am having a "bad" day and feeling emotionally drained from this whole situation, and she still sleeps next to me for the first couple of nights after every chemo treatment to check my breathing and temperature, and make sure that I am basically still alive...lol. She has taken such great care of me through all of this...and I am so thankful for her. I really do not know how anybody can get through this kind of sickness without having a mother just like her...she's the best!

4th chemo down...halfway done!

I had my 4th chemo treatment on Thursday April 28th. This was not only my grandmother's birthday, but also the 11 year anniversary of her death from cancer... I found it ironic that although a different cancer entirely, that my 4th chemo treatment fell on the same day as her birthday and the day that she passed away from having cancer. 

I am now halfway finished, and although I am so happy to be at the halfway point, I am still dreading what lays ahead. It is not easy to go through any of this at all, it is so rough on your body. Along with my cancerous cells, my "healthy" cells are also being destroyed, and I could really feel that after my 3rd treatment and even more after this 4th one.

When asked how I feel, the best and most simple way to explain is just "yucky" or "gross." I don't feel like my body even belongs to me, it's like I have no control over all of the side effects that I feel from the chemo drugs, yet all I can do is just sit and watch/feel them happen. Again with this last treatment, I have experienced a painfully burning esophagus and the coloring of my skin (especially my face) looks darker...but not a flattering "tan" kind of darker, but a scary looking unhealthy color. My hands are still tingly, and I feel nauseous a lot...but am thankful for Zofran, which has the nausea pretty well controlled. I feel really achy and sore, almost like I have a really bad flu...it is just a horrible feeling, and it sucks that there is no way to avoid it if I want to get better.

I had my first follow-up appointment with my Oncologist a couple of weeks ago since starting chemo, and I was a little disappointed to find out that I will not be scanned until after finishing all 8 of my chemo treatments. I was expecting a PetScan at least halfway through to check the "progress" and make sure everything is being destroyed (or hopefully gone at this point) as it should be, but I guess I will have to wait until after all 8 treatments are finished to find that out. 

So many people have asked how I am able to stay so positive through all of this, and really it is only because of all of the wonderful support and encouragement I have received from family, friends, my boyfriend Garrett & his family, co-workers, neighbors, my Doctor, strangers, and other people I have met who are going through the same thing as me or have already been through it and are now in remission...who inspire me and have showed me that life does go on after all of this is over. Without all of these people in my life, I do not think that I would be so "positive" about everything. So thank you so much to all of you! I appreciate all of the love and support that I have received as I go through this very scary and difficult journey. 

3rd chemo down...

I had my third chemo treatment on Thursday, and it has been really rough on me...so I am going to keep this entry short. I have felt more sick to my stomach and nauseous than the other two rounds, exhausted, and my esophagus has been burning horribly when I eat almost anything that is not "bland," which has caused me to stay awake most of last night in pain that I have never experienced before...not fun. Now I don't want to use this blog as a way of just complaining about how horrible all of this is, but I do want to show the reality of everything that I am experiencing...the best that I can. 

I do realize how much worse my situation and side effects could be, so for that I am VERY fortunate, and am trying to remain optimistic through all of this. The good thing is, I now have another chemo down...and just 5 more to go! 


Thank you SO SO SO much to everyone for all of the great support! I would not be able to get through any of this without all of you helping me through it. It is amazing just how many great people I have surrounding me and wishing me well. I am so appreciative of that!!!

Here are some pictures from my 3rd chemo treatment. I had my mom and dad with me :) 

My dad getting comfy while waiting in the chair across from me :)

Waiting to get pumped full of yucky drugs

My dad and I :)

This is the time I normally catch up on my celeb gossip :)

My mom and I :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hair today...gone tomorrow

Well for those of you who do not already know...I mustered up enough courage and shaved my head last night. Saying it was a hard decision would be an understatement. In the matter of just a couple of days, my hair had started falling out like crazy! To the point where I was getting quite annoyed by it. I would simply touch my hair and there would be a large amount that was coming out...and my shower drain was even beginning to clog. I know that I said hair does not define a person...and I am not going back on what I said, but it does change the way I feel as a woman...just not quite as feminine, and that part has been tough to deal with. As a girl, hair is just my "thing!" I would take hair vitamins to make it grow longer and would wear hair extensions to make it more "full" when going out for a special event. To go from that, to having cancer and losing my hair from chemo, and then being bald all in the matter of just a couple of months, is a little bit hard for me to swallow. 

I am glad that I shaved it though, it made me feel more in "control" of the situation. I had thought about just waiting until most of my hair was gone on it's own before shaving it, but I was already very emotional and upset about seeing it fall out to begin with, so I knew that would be a bad idea. If it is true what I have heard, and the hair falling out is a good sign that chemo is working, than for that I am very happy and am willing to accept my hair loss and new "baldness" as an assurance that I am happily on my way to being cancer free! 

It is so crazy how all of this is happening. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief when I really sit and think about it. The other night while sitting down at the dinner table with my mom and sister, it just came to me and I blurted out "Why does all of this have to happen to me?!" "What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this?!" Of course there is no way that anyone can answer that, but it just sort of came out of my mouth and I got that panicky feeling that I still cannot believe that I am now a cancer patient in the middle of chemotherapy treatment! Life is just so unpredictable. 

Maybe one of these blog posts, I will post a full "face pic" of my new "hairdo," but for now I am still getting used to it, and am quite startled when walking by a mirror or see my reflection anywhere. I have been wearing a beanie hat around the house and to sleep...I sure took advantage of the warmth and insulation that hair provides, my head is now freezing without some sort of cover on it.

My sister and brother-in-law did the "honors" last night and shaved my head for me, here are a couple of random pics of that...

I did not post the pictures of my face because I was crying and very emotional with red, tear-filled eyes...but at least with these, you all have an idea of what my new "hairdo" looks like. 
The plus side of being bald; I will be saving so much money (and time) now! No more getting my hair done, buying my expensive shampoos/conditioners, and other styling products. Only organic baby shampoo for me.