5th Chemo down...

I now have 5 chemo treatments down...and 3 more to go....followed by some intense radiation therapy :( I am trying my best to stay positive and look to the finish line, but the chemo seems to just be getting harder on me. I had more of a delayed response with this last treatment. The gnarly side effects normally hit me the hardest on the Saturday after each chemo, this time it hit me bad on Sunday night and are still going. I absolutely HATE chemo! It is horrible and makes me feel so awful! I feel bad saying that in a way, because without it, my prognosis would not be good. But the thing about chemo that people looking from the outside don't realize is just how harsh it is on the body, and just how bad it makes a person feel. The most frustrating part is trying to communicate that to somebody else. There truly are no words to fully describe the extremity and complete disgustingness that chemo makes me feel. 

I seem to still be battling the same cold as last week, it seems better than it was, but I noticed last night that my sore throat and congestion are coming back again. I am REALLY hoping that my cold is not coming back...that was awful and it imposed on my "good week" that the chemo usually wears off and I would have gotten to do some "normal" things. 


All of this cancer stuff can really be mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting on a person. Sometimes it seems like it is just too much to fully comprehend...or maybe that's just my "chemo brain?" I have been going through all of the motions to get better without really stopping and thinking about it too much...until recently, and to be honest, even though Hodgkin's is deemed the "good cancer," if there really is such a thing...it SCARES me to death. Mostly just the anxiety of future scans and other adverse reactions from the chemo and radiation. I am trying my best to just take it one day at a time and not over analyze everything like I tend to do so often...but that can be tough. 


For my friends and family who do not have facebook, here is a pic from the Susan G. Komen "Race for the Cure" walk that I did end up participating in, sick & all! Probably why I am still sick!! But it was worth it! Such a great cause and a fun event to be a part of. 

I will definitely be participating in many upcoming Lymphoma walks and races! I am already starting a page "Team Stephy" for the "Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Light the Night Walk" in October! I would love for all of my friends and family to participate with me! :)

Chemo + a yucky virus= NO bueno!

It has been one week post chemo, and usually this is when I would start feeling slightly better from all of the grueling side effects of chemo...but as my "fantastic" luck would have it, I am laying in bed fighting off some sort of flu or horrible cold. It is one thing to be sick, but mix that with the awful feeling that chemo leaves on you and that equals one horrible combo! 

The frustrating part is that I have been so careful not to get sick. I sanitize and wash my hands like a crazy person, and have been super cautious not to touch public doors, etc. I was warned to be extra careful during chemo since my white blood cell count is low, but what do they expect people to do, live in a bubble? There is only so much that I can do to protect myself from getting sick, unless I strictly stay confined in my house at all times...which is not reasonable. I am already spending so much time at home, I have no idea how I could have gotten sick in the first place! On the days that I am feeling more like "myself" (which is usually a week & a half after each chemo session) I normally throw on a wig...yes I am trying to be funny...and I attempt to get out of the house away from my bed that I lay in so often watching t.v. and reading, and just run an errand, have lunch or dinner with my sister or boyfriend, or meet a friend for coffee. My energy level has dropped drastically, and I can't do too much without getting completely wiped out, but I like to take advantage of the times that I am feeling well enough to get out for at least a little bit. I have found out the hard way that I have to be careful not to "overdo" it. A few times I have run a few too many errands and ended up feeling so weak and tired that I have had to sit down right in the middle of an aisle at a store...stupid fatigue. 

My Oncologist has called in an antibiotic for me and I was told to take TheraFlu along with that...I am really hoping that helps with this darn cold or flu that I have since I am supposed to be walking in the Susan G. Komen walk on Saturday, and I am very determined to go...even if my sister has to wheel me in a wheelchair for those 3 miles! :)

I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful family that has helped me so much through all of this...especially my mom. I honestly do not know how I would be able to deal with this situation without her. The rest of my family has been so great as well...but you just can't replace the comfort of your mother. She comes to all of my appointments with me, offers to cook me whatever it is that I am craving, is always there for me to cry on when I am having a "bad" day and feeling emotionally drained from this whole situation, and she still sleeps next to me for the first couple of nights after every chemo treatment to check my breathing and temperature, and make sure that I am basically still alive...lol. She has taken such great care of me through all of this...and I am so thankful for her. I really do not know how anybody can get through this kind of sickness without having a mother just like her...she's the best!

4th chemo down...halfway done!

I had my 4th chemo treatment on Thursday April 28th. This was not only my grandmother's birthday, but also the 11 year anniversary of her death from cancer... I found it ironic that although a different cancer entirely, that my 4th chemo treatment fell on the same day as her birthday and the day that she passed away from having cancer. 

I am now halfway finished, and although I am so happy to be at the halfway point, I am still dreading what lays ahead. It is not easy to go through any of this at all, it is so rough on your body. Along with my cancerous cells, my "healthy" cells are also being destroyed, and I could really feel that after my 3rd treatment and even more after this 4th one.

When asked how I feel, the best and most simple way to explain is just "yucky" or "gross." I don't feel like my body even belongs to me, it's like I have no control over all of the side effects that I feel from the chemo drugs, yet all I can do is just sit and watch/feel them happen. Again with this last treatment, I have experienced a painfully burning esophagus and the coloring of my skin (especially my face) looks darker...but not a flattering "tan" kind of darker, but a scary looking unhealthy color. My hands are still tingly, and I feel nauseous a lot...but am thankful for Zofran, which has the nausea pretty well controlled. I feel really achy and sore, almost like I have a really bad flu...it is just a horrible feeling, and it sucks that there is no way to avoid it if I want to get better.

I had my first follow-up appointment with my Oncologist a couple of weeks ago since starting chemo, and I was a little disappointed to find out that I will not be scanned until after finishing all 8 of my chemo treatments. I was expecting a PetScan at least halfway through to check the "progress" and make sure everything is being destroyed (or hopefully gone at this point) as it should be, but I guess I will have to wait until after all 8 treatments are finished to find that out. 

So many people have asked how I am able to stay so positive through all of this, and really it is only because of all of the wonderful support and encouragement I have received from family, friends, my boyfriend Garrett & his family, co-workers, neighbors, my Doctor, strangers, and other people I have met who are going through the same thing as me or have already been through it and are now in remission...who inspire me and have showed me that life does go on after all of this is over. Without all of these people in my life, I do not think that I would be so "positive" about everything. So thank you so much to all of you! I appreciate all of the love and support that I have received as I go through this very scary and difficult journey. 

3rd chemo down...

I had my third chemo treatment on Thursday, and it has been really rough on me...so I am going to keep this entry short. I have felt more sick to my stomach and nauseous than the other two rounds, exhausted, and my esophagus has been burning horribly when I eat almost anything that is not "bland," which has caused me to stay awake most of last night in pain that I have never experienced before...not fun. Now I don't want to use this blog as a way of just complaining about how horrible all of this is, but I do want to show the reality of everything that I am experiencing...the best that I can. 

I do realize how much worse my situation and side effects could be, so for that I am VERY fortunate, and am trying to remain optimistic through all of this. The good thing is, I now have another chemo down...and just 5 more to go! 


Thank you SO SO SO much to everyone for all of the great support! I would not be able to get through any of this without all of you helping me through it. It is amazing just how many great people I have surrounding me and wishing me well. I am so appreciative of that!!!

Here are some pictures from my 3rd chemo treatment. I had my mom and dad with me :) 

My dad getting comfy while waiting in the chair across from me :)

Waiting to get pumped full of yucky drugs

My dad and I :)

This is the time I normally catch up on my celeb gossip :)

My mom and I :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hair today...gone tomorrow

Well for those of you who do not already know...I mustered up enough courage and shaved my head last night. Saying it was a hard decision would be an understatement. In the matter of just a couple of days, my hair had started falling out like crazy! To the point where I was getting quite annoyed by it. I would simply touch my hair and there would be a large amount that was coming out...and my shower drain was even beginning to clog. I know that I said hair does not define a person...and I am not going back on what I said, but it does change the way I feel as a woman...just not quite as feminine, and that part has been tough to deal with. As a girl, hair is just my "thing!" I would take hair vitamins to make it grow longer and would wear hair extensions to make it more "full" when going out for a special event. To go from that, to having cancer and losing my hair from chemo, and then being bald all in the matter of just a couple of months, is a little bit hard for me to swallow. 

I am glad that I shaved it though, it made me feel more in "control" of the situation. I had thought about just waiting until most of my hair was gone on it's own before shaving it, but I was already very emotional and upset about seeing it fall out to begin with, so I knew that would be a bad idea. If it is true what I have heard, and the hair falling out is a good sign that chemo is working, than for that I am very happy and am willing to accept my hair loss and new "baldness" as an assurance that I am happily on my way to being cancer free! 

It is so crazy how all of this is happening. Sometimes I find myself in disbelief when I really sit and think about it. The other night while sitting down at the dinner table with my mom and sister, it just came to me and I blurted out "Why does all of this have to happen to me?!" "What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this?!" Of course there is no way that anyone can answer that, but it just sort of came out of my mouth and I got that panicky feeling that I still cannot believe that I am now a cancer patient in the middle of chemotherapy treatment! Life is just so unpredictable. 

Maybe one of these blog posts, I will post a full "face pic" of my new "hairdo," but for now I am still getting used to it, and am quite startled when walking by a mirror or see my reflection anywhere. I have been wearing a beanie hat around the house and to sleep...I sure took advantage of the warmth and insulation that hair provides, my head is now freezing without some sort of cover on it.

My sister and brother-in-law did the "honors" last night and shaved my head for me, here are a couple of random pics of that...

I did not post the pictures of my face because I was crying and very emotional with red, tear-filled eyes...but at least with these, you all have an idea of what my new "hairdo" looks like. 
The plus side of being bald; I will be saving so much money (and time) now! No more getting my hair done, buying my expensive shampoos/conditioners, and other styling products. Only organic baby shampoo for me. 

Chemo #2....

I received my second chemo treatment on Thursday, and this one has definitely been harder than the first, both physically and emotionally. I have felt way more exhausted and weak, and experienced a lot of nausea...luckily I haven't thrown up, but the nausea feeling itself is pretty horrible. I have to take a steroid drug for 2 days after each chemo, and that makes me feel extremely restless even though every ounce of my body is exhausted and wants to rest, it's the worst feeling. I have also experienced the tingly hands and red cheeks again with this round. And my sense of smell is so strong, it's crazy. Luckily I've had no mouth sores, which people often experience during chemo.

And although I said I was looking forward to seeing my hair fall out, since that is a good sign that the chemo is actually working and killing cells...when I actually experienced it yesterday in the shower, I kind of freaked out a bit. It was a lot more emotional than I thought. I know it's just hair and it WILL grow back, but it is scary to actually experience it shedding. There was not a lot of hair coming out, but I noticed when washing my hair that it easily came right out of my head and into my hand. Everyone kept telling me that I knew it was going to happen, but it still doesn't make it any easier to deal with no matter how much you try and prepare yourself. Today I noticed even more hair in the shower, so I will soon be taking control of the situation and shaving it off.


I am happy that I now have 2 chemo treatments down, and just 6 more to go! I am now that much closer to being cancer free and healthy. None of this has been or is easy to deal with, but for now I just have to go through each step and do what I have to, in order to be well again.

White blood cell count...

I had my first blood draw today since starting chemo...not fun at all since the person drawing it had such a hard time getting a good vein. He poked at my right arm with no luck and finally got a good amount of blood from my left arm. I better get used to that because I will have to continue to get my blood drawn every time I get chemo (about 24-48 hours prior) so that my Doctor can see how all of my blood counts look, etc. It is normal during chemo for people's white blood cell count to go down below normal, which is why I have to be careful not to be around any sick people, and be extra cautious around large crowds, touching public doors, etc. Our white blood cells are what protect us from infectious disease and other nasty junk. I was told not to get any pedicures during chemo since I am more prone to getting infection...total bummer since I love treating myself to one every now and then :(

Basically at 25 years old, I have to be protected like a newborn baby would be. They can give you a shot to boost your white blood cell count, and I am not sure whether I will need one when I do my second chemo tomorrow or not...we shall see tomorrow. I have already gotten my results back from my blood draw today and I find it interesting that before starting chemo, my white blood cell count was 7.9 K/uL, the standard range is 3.5-12.5 K/uL, so I was pretty much right in the middle and now after just one chemo, my WBC count is 3.0 K/uL. It is lower than standard, so I will definitely not be going anywhere near a large crowd anytime soon...no Costco on a Saturday or Target on a Sunday for me! :) I will have to be extra cautious now. 

I was told if my white blood cell count gets too low (not sure what that exact number is) that they will postpone chemo by a week or so until they can get it back up...I want to avoid that since that would mean a longer treatment time. So I am hoping that they stay high enough before each treatment for me to at least still get the chemo right on schedule every two weeks as planned...fingers crossed!