2015 Update

Wow! It has been almost 2 years since I have updated this! I just wanted to post a quick update. I am still cancer-free and am doing great. I am officially a Registered Nurse and am working at a wonderful hospital on a unit that I love. I feel that I am able to really connect with my patients and really advocate for them after being a patient myself just 4 years ago. I love this career! As far as my health goes, there are times when I feel pretty tired or fatigued, and I am not sure if that is a residual effect from my cancer treatments or just because I am working full-time 12 hour shifts and in a full-time baccalaureate program getting my BSN. 

I have spoken to other cancer survivors who have said that years after finishing their cancer treatments that they still experience some unpleasant side effects such as chronic fatigue. 

At my last appointment with my oncologist, we decided no more CT scans unless I feel that I need one due to any symptoms that are concerning to me. The reason is because she does not feel that I should be exposed to too much radiation since it is cancer causing. Also, she said the chance of relapse at this point is rare and I would most likely detect any symptoms of cancer returning first. Something that I feel is important for other women who have gone through radiation treatment, especially for cancer in the chest like I had, is to ask your healthcare provider about when you should get a mammogram. Because I was exposed to radiation treatments in my chest, my healthcare provider has recommended that I start getting mammograms when I am 35 years old since radiation treatment to the chest area can increase the risk of getting breast cancer. 

I hope that people are still reading my blog and finding it helpful! I really enjoy getting emails from many of you who have reached out to me! Thank you so much! xo

Time flies when you're havin' fun!

Hello to all who are still reading this! I cannot believe that it has been so long since I have posted an update. Time really does go by so quickly, especially when life is busy. So much has happened since my last post...

For starters, I got into nursing school! I just successfully completed my first semester, so am 25% done. It has been so amazing. I am really enjoying every moment of it, even the times when it is stressful and busy. It is definitely my "calling." For those who do not know, I switched to nursing from pharmacy because after my experience with cancer I would like to work as an oncology nurse someday. That would be my ultimate dream. I have been an oncology patient, so feel like I can give so much back to others in the same situation that I was in. 

Did I mention that school is 2 hours from where I was living? So I have also moved since my last post. It was hard in the beginning to be away from my family and friends, but I am just loving being on my own (well with my cat too). I see my family as often as I can, and have adjusted to living away quite well. I love my new bachelorette pad, and have met such amazing people where I am now living.

And the BEST, most fantastic news and update of all, is that I just had my 2 year scan the other day and I am still cancer-free! I feel that I am somewhat in the safe zone now, since the chance of relapse is highest in the first 2 years. My chance of relapsing now is a lot less. BIG relief.  

Thank you to those who are still reading this. I hope that if you are somebody who is newly diagnosed and have come across my blog, that it will bring you comfort to know that not only does life go back to normal...but it gets even BETTER! I would have never imagined that I would be where I am today when I was first told of my diagnosis. Things have an interesting way of working out for the best. I can honestly say that I would not change any part of this whole experience.


Some recent pics. :) 

p.s.) I finally feel like my hair is really growing fast! It has come back much thicker and healthier than before. 

Me and my friend Ale.

Pumpkin patch fun. 

And I had to add one of my cat Finn, enjoying our cozy new home!

Happy one year cancerversary to me!

It's been a while since I've updated this, so I thought I would write a short entry. I've thought about discontinuing this blog altogether since I've had no time to update it and there really isn't too much to update about these days anyway. But then I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with cancer (which was already a year and a half ago!) I would read people's blogs and as soon as their treatments ended, so did their blog entries. Well...being newly diagnosed with something as horrific as cancer and not knowing much about it, I was scared when I saw that nobody updated after their treatments and I was curious how they were doing afterward and whether they stayed in remission or not. So I have decided to keep my blog up and try updating every now and then until I at least hit my second year in remission. Plus, according to my stats, I am still getting page views daily, which is great! :) 

Things have surprisingly fallen back into place pretty quickly. Upon first being diagnosed and during my treatments, I honestly couldn't even imagine living a "normal" life again. I did not think that I would ever get over the fact that I had gone through something so horrible and be able to move on from it. How could I ever get over something like that? Well, I'm glad that I didn't get stuck in that mindset and that I've been able to move forward. Life is too short to waste worrying about something that I have no control over anyway, right? I will admit that during scan time, my attitude on this can definitely change. Scan time, which is every 6 months, brings out stress & anxiety that I luckily do not always have. But there is nothing worse than "scanxiety," I'm sure all cancer patients would agree with me on that. And speaking of scans, my latest one in June came back clear! My next one is scheduled for early December...fingers crossed for a clear one on that as well. I just hit the one year mark of being in remission and I think as I get closer to that magical 2 year mark, my worrying about relapse will ease up (I am highest risk for relapse within the first two years after treatment). I have returned to school and have been working so hard to finish the last science classes that I have left, and I have been doing really well in them...maybe even better than before cancer. I'm just so much more focused and determined than ever before. I feel like I now know what my purpose is, and this has motivated me tremendously.

My attitude and outlook on life is so different now than it was pre-cancer...and in a good way. Why couldn't I feel this way without having to have gone through all of that? Well that's something I will never know the answer to, and I'm becoming more and more ok with that. I wish I could say that after battling (and winning) cancer, that I don't stress out or let the little things get to me, but that would be a big lie. I can say though, that I have learned to be a much more understanding, caring, and compassionate person, and I've realized that the things that I thought were "important" before are actually not very important at all.

Yes, having cancer is one of the worst things imaginable, and I hate the fact that I sometimes feel like I have this sort of "baggage" that I'm carrying around, but I'm learning to own it. My life is forever changed, but I am enjoying the gift of seeing life from the other side of the coin. Most people will live their entire lives and never get to see it the way that I now do. There are things to be thankful for everyday. 

The picture below represents so much to me. The picture to the left was taken about 4 months prior to my cancer diagnosis, the one in the middle was taken during my battle (obviously), and the one on the right was taken just last month (notice the growing hair, lol). I used to be embarrassed of the middle picture and thought I would never let anybody see it, but I am actually really proud of it now. This picture symbolizes who I was before cancer, and what I overcame to become who I am now.

Cheers to a HEALTHY 2012.

I finished chemo about 7 months ago, and finished radiation close to 5 months ago. The time has surprisingly gone by really fast! Things are pretty much returning to normal at this point. I started back at school this week (I was doing online classes during chemo/radiation). And I have also started working out at the gym taking spin and cardio kickboxing classes for the last few weeks. Starting at the gym again was not fun or easy at first, but it's getting easier each time I go. It has felt amazing to be back again, I just feel so much stronger already. I have also started eating really "clean" and as organic as possible. That has made me feel so much better also! There are a few lingering side effects that will hopefully go away or get better in time. One of them is that out of nowhere, my fingers get completely numb and tingly and turn pale white. It is so annoying! And I also still deal with the fatigue. I notice that I have to be careful not to overdo it, or I am exhausted for days after and have to try catching up on rest.

After my last scan in December, which came back clear, my cancer anxiety has really subsided. The worrying about it coming back is still there at times, but is definitely not in the front of my mind like it was just last month. I am trying to pick my life back up and "live" and enjoy every moment that I can. It's weird to go through all that I have and then just have things return to normal...it's like, what was the point of all of that? Why did that have to happen to ME? Hopefully there is a really important life lesson that I will learn from all of it, and I'll be able to help other people learn from my experience as well.


There have recently been some changes in my personal life regarding the relationship that I was in. Normally I'm a pretty private person about that stuff, but I feel like the whole point of this blog from the very beginning has always been to be 100% honest about my ENTIRE "cancer journey," and since I was in a relationship the whole time up until recently, it's something I feel I should bring up. I refuse to blame cancer for the deterioration of that relationship. After having cancer, I am just so much more aware of how selfish people can be and I refuse to have people like that in my life. I only want to be surrounded by people who are going to bring goodness and joy to my life. It is impossible to go through cancer and be in a relationship with somebody whose main concern is only themselves. There were so many things that got swept under the rug because I felt that maybe my cancer was hard on him, and that he didn't know how to take it or act toward me. I am not into ex-boyfriend bashing at all, and that is not what I am trying to do here!

I understand that being with someone who is going through a cancer diagnosis is not easy at all. It definitely takes a REAL man who is caring and patient to do so. But I was wrong for making so many excuses for somebody who should not have stayed with me during that time to begin with, and should have left the relationship in the beginning of my diagnosis when I suggested it. I know that it is not a good position to be in, to have your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly diagnosed with cancer, but I do KNOW that if I were not the person with the cancer, but instead the girlfriend of someone diagnosed with cancer, that I would be there for them 100% of the time. I would not remind my boyfriend as he lay in bed sick after chemo that he used to work out at the gym. I would not ask when he will be wearing "hot" clothing again like he used to while he's in the middle of fighting for his life. I would not complain about petty & shallow things such as my "weird looking toe" and wanting to have surgery on it to my boyfriend whose only wish is to win his battle with cancer and live a full life. When going to spend the night with my boyfriend who is going through chemo and dealing with the gnarly side effects such as insomnia, I would not lay there complaining about the t.v. being on low and the dim light bothering me. IF my sick boyfriend wanted to get out of the house on his "good week" during chemo, I would not complain about having no money, especially when he would be just as happy (if not more) going on a walk or a bike ride...which are both FREE. I would not start a trendy diet as my boyfriend is going through chemo, instead I would be laying next to him drinking a milkshake. And most importantly, I would not choose going out to bars & clubs while my boyfriend lay in bed sick with cancer, wondering whether he is going to live or die. I would be right there with him even if he suggested I hang out with my friends, reassuring him that WE will get through this together, and I would make sure he knew that if he could not be out having fun at bars and clubs, than I wouldn't want to either. 
I was told upon diagnosis that cancer will be the ultimate test in determining the strength of a relationship, and obviously mine was not strong at all. I am not trying to bash anyone, I am just talking about my experience, and hopefully others going through cancer and in relationships can learn from it. 


2011 was an extremely difficult, tough, stressful, emotional and challenging year for me. With the diagnosis & treatment of cancer and the end of a relationship, I can only HOPE that 2012 will bring many wonderful & positive things my way.

First scan post chemo & radiation

Hi all! Sorry for the lack of updates, but I just haven't had too much to talk about...which is good! I feel like I have had lots of thoughts/feelings to talk about, but when I start writing them I get overwhelmed and decide not to write anything at all. I mentioned in my last post, that life after cancer is a lot harder than I had expected. Although I am adjusting, it is still not easy. There are so many worries and thoughts that I have to deal with that it can be exhausting. Physically, I am not back to "myself" yet. I get easily fatigued, I've had shortness of breath with a cough, and have really achy and sore muscles. Have I mentioned that I HATE my hair? I'm sure I have. It is growing, but just looks weird! I am still wearing my wigs when I am out, but just got my hair trimmed and I will hopefully be brave enough to wear it in public soon with no wig. All I can hope for is that this all gets better in time.

I just had my first CT scan yesterday since finishing both chemo and radiation. The stress and anxiety of that scan were almost unbearable. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who kept me busy all weekend so that I would be distracted from thinking too much about it. I seriously don't know what I would do without my amazing friends and family! I had my scan yesterday at 8:00 am and received the results in the late afternoon. Great news...my scan came back CLEAR! No cancer...which is the best news I could ever ask for!

The sort of bad news is that it shows a "small patchy area of groundglass opacity in the left lower lung." According to my CT scan report, this could be due to pneumonia or possible post radiation pneumonitis. I am a little upset at my Oncologist that he did not even mention this patchy area on my lung to me...I found it on the report and had to bring it up to him first. He then wanted me to speak to my Radiation Oncologist about it. According to my Radiation Oncologist, since I have been experiencing shortness of breath with a cough, I most likely have pneumonia. She wants me to have another CT scan in two months to see if it is gone. All of this stuff scares me! Hopefully it will turn out to be nothing serious and will resolve itself and get better soon. If anybody else who reads my blog has experienced "groundglass opacity" in their lung(s) post cancer treatments, please comment below.

Life post cancer...a heads up would've been nice.

It has been almost two months since finishing my cancer treatments, and since then I have felt like I just needed a break from really thinking too much about cancer, which included writing in this blog. During treatments I was eager to read, write, and think about my cancer...a lot...but after finishing treatments I was just a little burnt out, and felt like I didn't have any energy for it. I still feel this way, but wanted to update the people who read my blog on how life has been for me "post cancer." And to be honest, life after cancer is NOT easy at all...it's freaking hard! Why didn't anyone warn me? I have been struggling with adjusting to life after cancer immensely. One of my biggest struggles has been getting people to understand how I feel about all that I've been through...and it hasn't been easy. I feel a definite lack of understanding. Most people have the attitude that I am "done" with cancer now and should be able to move on and not think about it anymore. Those people couldn't be more wrong. I have a constant worry and anxiety about my cancer coming back, and death has been on my mind more now, than any other time during this horrendous "journey." I am still shocked sometimes to even say "I had cancer." It just seems unreal, and like it was all just a horrible nightmare. I don't want to dwell on all that I've been through, but I am still fresh out of treatments, so it's hard not to think about it. The uncertainty of future scans is extremely scary and anxiety producing for me. I feel like I am expected to just forget that I had cancer and move on with my life, and I really don't know how to do that...

From the outside, everybody says how great I look and how well I'm doing. Even my Oncologist says I'm doing great. But I feel like saying, "HOW do you know that I am doing great??!!!" I really don't feel that way. Just because I am not acting like an emotional mess in front of people does not mean that I am doing/feeling "great." I'm not saying that I am not appreciative of my "cancer-free body," but I can't seem to kick this feeling that brings a lump up in my throat from just thinking about the fact that I've even had to go through any of this.    

I'm left now with jacked up looking hair, scars all over my chest from my lymph node biopsy and port surgeries, my constant muscle aches and pains (from chemo), and the non-stop exhaustion and weakness that I feel...I know that it can always be worse, and I'm not trying to be negative, but it just sucks. I'm taking my time to heal and fully process all that I've been through, and it might take me longer than most people would like, but I can't worry about other people right now. Other than the small group of amazingly supportive people I have had in my life, I have sadly also experienced the complete opposite. There have been some who have been completely selfish. It's pretty sad and pathetic if you ask me. Having cancer has definitely taught me many things about people, and it's scary how when it comes down to it, there are really only a handful who genuinely care. In the beginning I had to deal with the initial shock of diagnosis, and then I was numb during treatments...definite survival mode, and now I am dealing with all of these different emotions and feelings after cancer. I know it will all be fine, like everybody tells me, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
 
Here is a recent pic of my hair. It is growing in pretty good, just not as fast as I would like it to. I am using Nioxin shampoon & conditioner, leave in conditioner by RevitaLash, and taking hair vitamins along with extra biotin. I'm not sure if any of this is helping, but I continue to do it just in case :) A lot of people have asked if my hair is any different, since it usually grows in a different color or texture after cancer, but I can't really tell yet. So far, it seems the same to me as before.

I kicked cancer to the curb.

I am pleased to say that I have officially made it through cancer and all of the nasty treatments it requires to get rid of it! I had my last radiation treatment one week ago today, and it feels beyond wonderful to be done. Radiation and chemo are so different...I don't feel that they can even be compared to one another. Radiation is definitely no walk in the park, but if I can get through it....or any of this, so can anybody else. The side effects that I have experienced from radiation are a very red chest, major fatigue, esophagus pain and some trouble swallowing. For the red skin, I've been using the gel from an aloe vera plant to put on the affected skin, that helped a lot! I also made sure to keep the area really moisturized with lotion. Unfortunately there is nothing to take to help with the fatigue, so I've just made sure to rest as much as I need to, and have tried listening to my body, making sure not to overdo it. For the esophagus pain, I was given some lidocaine (which numbs) to mix with Maalox, and I took that as needed before eating. I am still having some pain swallowing even now, a week later. I heard it will last a few weeks. 

I had an appointment with my Oncologist last week for the first time since finishing chemo. He set up an appointment to have my port removed last Friday, which I was a little hesitant to do since the chances of relapsing from Hodgkin's is the highest in the first 18 months...but my Doctor said I'm not going to relapse and it's fine to remove it now...I guess he is also a psychic on the side? I should just be happy that he is so confident...I'd be more happy if he wasn't checking and responding to other patients emails during my 15 minute appointment with him. I couldn't imagine doing chemo without a port...I don't know how people do it. I've had some horrible pain in both of my arms, mostly when I wake up in the morning, and my Doctor said that that is just my "souvenir" from chemo...lucky me?!! He said it "should" go away within the next year. We also figured out a "post-cancer plan," I will get my blood drawn every 3 months, and then I will have a CT scan done in December, and after that I will have one every 6 months for the next 3 years. God I hope that it NEVER comes back. I asked my Doctor about nutrition and supplements that I should be taking for my new "cancer-free body," and he said to just do what any other 26 year old girl does. So I asked to be referred to a Dietitian or Nutritionist...clearly there is no way I can treat my body like any other girl my age after all that I have gone through to be healthy again....I want to "keep" my new healthy body from ever having cancer again! Or at least do all I can to help it stay cancer-free...

A few people have asked what my plan is now that I am done with cancer...and my response to that is I will NEVER be done with cancer. Sadly, it is something that will be embedded in my life forever and will constantly be in the back of my mind. But I refuse to let it take over my life. Thinking about all that I've been through the last 6 months makes my head spin. It is completely overwhelming and just seems like a horrible nightmare. It's funny, everybody tells me how strong I am, which is the best compliment...but I don't really feel that I've been strong at all. You either choose to be positive and get through the treatments the best you can....or you can let it bring you down to a dark place you don't want to be. I just chose the more positive route.

I have some time off of work, and I plan on taking this time to heal (physically, mentally, emotionally) and hopefully rebuild some strength that I lost. I am a true believer that anybody who goes through cancer treatment of any sort, should take the time their body needs to recuperate when they are finished and in remission. It is good to start living life normally again, but life is anything but normal after what I've been through. Post-cancer treatment healing should be required if you ask me, it's just part of the whole process of getting better. A lot of people jump right back into their normal life once treatment is done, but I am going to do anything in my power to prevent a relapse...which means taking great care of myself and restoring my health.

I wanted to give a little update on my "hair situation." I now have a full head of hair...well almost! It has filled in so much and is almost wearable as a short "do!" It looks kind of like a little boys haircut, but I am just glad that it's growing more. I am still wearing my wig and hat combo, but CANNOT wait until I no longer have to. My brows and lashes never fell out completely, so those have just started growing in normally again. They both got really sparse, but are filling in more. My wonderful sister bought me RevitaLash, which is supposed to really help the lashes grow longer and get fuller...I'm excited to see how that works! And I finally had to go get my brows waxed because they grew in so fast. The pic to the right is from a couple of weeks ago.

Although I will not have anything to update on here as far as my treatments go, I will be sure to update on how everything is going for me in my adjustment to life "after cancer." I just want to say, the support that I have received through this "journey" has been so amazing! My family, friends, and even strangers have given me so much love and encouragement...Thank you all SO much for that!! I appreciate it so so so much!!!

p.s.) September is Lymphoma awareness month! Wear Violet in support of it! :)

My esophagus SUCKS!

Okay....maybe I spoke too soon in my last post, because although radiation may not be that bad compared to chemo, it is not very easy either. I finished my second week of radiation yesterday...10 down, 7 to go! My chest is still really red and hot to touch like a sunburn, and for some reason my skin just feels extremely itchy. Not even the area that's being radiated, but other areas of my body...weird. Starting on Wednesday (after 8 treatments), my esophagus started to feel very raw and tender. It's uncomfortable to swallow, and I can feel the tenderness when I speak or even stand up from laying down. It feels like I swallowed a popsicle stick. Maybe I just have a sucky esophagus, because although it is a different pain this time, I had problems with my esophagus during chemo as well. I've also been extremely tired...not the kind of tired where I can take a nap and feel better, but that fatigue feeling that makes my whole body feel weak and exhausted. I'm sure that my body is still healing from all of the damaging effects of the chemo, and some of the crappiness I feel is probably still lingering from that.

Great quote that I came across

It is so weird to think that "I am a cancer survivor" or "in remission," maybe because I don't really feel like I am. It just doesn't feel "permanent" yet. I'm not finished with radiation, and the thought of the cancer coming back terrifies me...I feel like it can come back at any time, so am almost scared to acknowledge that I have kicked it's ass in fear that it will come back as soon as I start proudly saying that I am a Hodgkin's Lymphoma Survivor. If I pay too much attention to it, I'm scared it will come back. It feels like my remission is just temporary. That's just crazy thinking...trust me, I know! But after going through what I have...you would have crazy thoughts as well. I'm just wondering when I will actually feel "like a survivor?" After 5 years of being in remission, a person is considered "cured." I know that I will always have this worry about cancer coming back...but I just need to find a way to manage that fear and get it under control.

First week of radiation done...not too bad.

5 radiation treatments down...and 12 more to go! I wanted to make it a point to dedicate a few blog entries to my experience with radiation. I was curious about other people's experiences with it, so was trying to look for blogs about it and really could not find too much. I think that by the time people finish chemo, they are just so relieved to be done, that radiation does not seem like much to write about...which I totally understand, but still just wanted to know more about it from other people's personal experiences. So I will tell you about my own!

So far, radiation has not been that bad. Other than a red and warm chest, I haven't really felt very different. My chest feels similar to getting a sunburn. The next day after my first radiation, I felt a little nauseous, but haven't felt that way since. I feel more tired than usual, but was already feeling fatigued before starting radiation. My appointments are Monday-Friday at 3:30 PM, and only take about 10 minutes. When I go there, the ladies at the front desk let me go to the back where I head to the women's changing room area. I change into a hospital gown, and sit in the little waiting area in that same room. The techs come and get me and I head back to the room where I receive the radiation. They position me properly, and make sure that I am in the same exact position every single time, they line up my "tattoos" to the machine in order to do this. I have to reach my hands above my head and hold on to a bar, and am told to stay completely still...but to breathe normally. I always feel like it's so hard to stay still when you know that you HAVE to. They then leave the room for a few minutes, come back in and tell me I am done. Pretty simple and easy process. I see my Radiology Oncologist every Thursday, and she just checks my skin to make sure everything looks good and checks to see if I am experiencing any side effects from the radiation. I saw her yesterday, and she said all looks normal. After every treatment, I go home and put aloe vera gel on my chest and on my back (since I heard the radiation goes right through you). I got 99% aloe vera from Whole Foods. My Doctor said to get unscented and uncolored aloe vera. I then put Aveeno lotion over that to help moisturize my skin. I'm sure that there are even better products out there, but these seem to be helping me.

Since starting radiation on Monday, I have met SO many wonderful women while waiting in the women's changing room area. They are all extremely nice, and their stories are just amazing to me. The six women that I have met so far, all have breast cancer and are all a wide variety of ages...between 32 to 85. I know that I do not have breast cancer, but I want to stress the importance for women to check their breasts frequently for lumps! I have met a lot of young women with my type of cancer...but even more who have breast cancer. The lady I met today was only in her late 40's when she felt a lump in her breast, but had just gotten laid off from her job and had no insurance so put off going to the Doctor. She asked many organizations for help, but was turned away due to budget cuts. She even attempted to contact the Susan G. Komen foundation multiple times, and never got a phone call back...this made me disgusted! The pain and lumps had gotten so bad, that she eventually went to the E.R. and was told that she most likely had breast cancer. It was eventually confirmed that she did have breast cancer for sure, and it had spread to her bones and liver. Her prognosis is not good...only 3-5 years, but it is amazing how positive and optimistic she remains. She has a new job and works everyday in order to make her mortgage payment. She is a true inspiration! She is not married and has no kids, and really only has her sister for emotional support. This made me so sad, and also made me remember just how lucky I am to have such great support from my family and friends. I wish everyone going through cancer had the kind of support that I have been fortunate enough to have through this whole journey. As absolutely horrible as having cancer has been for me, I would have never had the opportunity to meet the amazing people that I have if I had never had it...that almost makes it all worth it...ALMOST :)

CLEAR scan & my 1st radiation treatment

I have GREAT news!! The Hodge has been beaten! I had my PET Scan on Saturday August 6th and had to anxiously wait until today to get my results. Let me tell you, the waiting is HORRIBLE! I do not recommend getting any type of scan on a Saturday when you have to wait longer to get your results since nobody works weekends in Oncology. I guess people are not supposed to have cancer on the weekends? I was going to wait until my radiation appointment today (at 2:30pm) to speak with my Radiation Oncologist to find out my scan results, but was way too anxious and nervous to wait all day, so decided to email my Oncologist and ask for the results. He had his nurse call me back immediately and she said my scan came out good, and shows "no evidence of active disease." This is the BEST news I have ever received in my life!! I was overcome with so many different emotions...all good ones of course! It is unbelievable what I have been through since February and I am just so thankful that chemo worked and killed those nasty cancer cells like it was supposed to.

When I arrived at my radiation appointment, I spoke with my radiation Oncologist who was able to give me more detail about my scan results. She told me that the mass I had above my heart IS still there, but does not show any cancer cells on the PET Scan. She said the mass is about half the size that it was, and could just be scar tissue, but the radiation will ensure that if there were any tiny cancer cells still there that they will be destroyed. I was a little disappointed that there is anything left there at all, but she said that it is very common for there to be residual tissue after chemo...so that made me feel better. She also said that they will watch it as close as they can, especially for the next 18 months. I still CANNOT believe that I am officially in remission!! SO happy!

This looks similar to the machine that I receive radiation from.

I started radiation today, and will be having a total of 17 treatments, going Monday-Friday (about 3 and a 1/2 weeks). I have 1 down....16 more to go! I am hoping that all goes smoothly with radiation. I will feel like I am REALLY done and in remission when I finish radiation. It is a really fast process, much different than the almost 4 hour chemo sessions I was doing. The longest part was just positioning me perfectly on the table, and then it takes just a couple of minutes. Total was about a 15 minute process. Everybody says that you can't feel anything during radiation, but I definitely felt a warm sensation on my chest where they were radiating, but it didn't hurt. And now, my chest is getting more red by the hour and feels really warm. Fingers crossed for limited side effects.

Thank you so very much to all of you who have kept me in your thoughts and prayers! I really do have the most amazing people in my life who have helped me through all of this and I appreciate it SO much! 

SCANic Attack

I have my first PET Scan tomorrow since starting chemo, and I am freaking out a little bit. It seems that most people have a scan at their halfway point with chemo to check their progress and make sure that they are responding well to chemo, but for some reason my Doctor didn't think one would be necessary, so this will be my first since finishing all of my 8 chemo treatments. I have been a little more on edge lately, and my mind only seems to be thinking about those scan results. I constantly play out different scenarios in my head of my Doctor saying that the chemo didn't work, or saying that it did work but I need more because the tumor is still partially there, or everything is clear (which is what I'm hoping for). I am hoping that in the future when I get scanned I am less of a stress case. I've been told that with each clear scan, they get a little easier. But as you can imagine, I am just completely anxious because I have done all of that chemo, and really have no idea whether it worked or not. I know I ask for a lot of good thoughts and prayers, but please send them my way once again for clear PET Scan results! Thank you so much! 

Got ink? I do.

Just a little update of sorts. Nothing too new to report, just enjoying my time before starting radiation. I had an appointment with my Radiology Oncologist on Tuesday July 26th, and they started getting me "prepped" for radiation. My Doctor will decide on the amount of radiation I will receive after she gets my PET scan results, but has decided that I will start radiation on August 8th. My PET scan is on August 6th, so she will have my results by the 8th and decide on my specific radiation plan. During my appointment on Tuesday, I was told that I would get little permanent tattoos of dots on my chest so that they know the area they will be radiating each time. I was so nervous about this since I have no tattoos and was worried it would hurt...such a baby. But it was actually not that bad. They tattooed three very small dots, one right in the middle of my chest (this one hurt the worst), and then one on each side of me (right below my armpits). From what I understand, the tattooed dots just map out the area that they will be radiating. I will keep everybody posted about my PET scan results, and will be sure to write about my experience with radiation. The nurse told me that with radiation to expect major fatigue (already feeling that), a possible sore throat, esophagus pain, trouble swallowing, and a sort of sun burn on the chest and back. Not to mention the possibility of other long term effects that I had to carefully read over and sign a consent for. Usually during radiation they fit a mask to people's faces that basically keeps them in place while receiving the radiation so that they are in the exact same spot every time during treatment, but the nurse said that I will not be needing one...I am a little confused/worried about that since this mask is what keeps people from moving, and helps ensure accuracy. I plan on checking with my Doctor about this...it's not really something that I want them to make a mistake on. I say just give me the mask if it's going to help me from moving while receiving radiation. Above is a picture of what that mask looks like so that you have an idea of what I'm talking about. 

Since chemo has ended, I have physically just felt really exhausted. It seems like I am more fatigued and tired now than I was during chemo. I have also just felt really sore and achy...which I am sure is just from the after effects of the chemo. I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but I feel the expectation that now that I am done with chemo that I should feel back to myself right away, and just jump back into normal life. But I don't feel back to myself or "normal," I expect this to take some time. Unless you or somebody close to you has or had cancer, you probably will not understand that it is quite a process that requires a lot of patience. "After treatment" healing is just as important as during....I feel that I have so much healing to do physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is a long transition to getting back to "normal" life. For many years to come, I will constantly be going to Doctor's appointments and cancer will always be on my mind. I know that once I am "clear," I cannot let this take over my life, and I don't plan on it...but it's not something I can just forget and not worry about either. It has changed my life forever. I have noticed that the emotions of all that I have been through have started to catch up with me a lot. During chemo treatment, I was too sick and "drugged" to really think about what I was going through. Now that chemo has stopped and I can think more clearly, all that I have endured in the last 6 months just seems unreal.

I came across this book and ordered it, I only found it available in the UK, but think that it is one of the best books written for people who have had cancer. I wish that everybody who has been through any type of cancer would read this, it helps so much. It was not that badly priced either, I ordered it off of Amazon...I highly recommend it.

A little bit of this...and a little bit of that.

It's been over 3 weeks since my last chemo, and it has been so nice to allow my body a break from being pumped full of toxic drugs...the thought of it still makes my stomach turn. I do not feel back to "normal" by any means, but it is still so relieving to be done with chemo. My energy level is so low and I get extremely exhausted if I overdo it at all, my body also feels really sore...almost like body aches. It is hard to find a good balance. I will be feeling pretty good and go run some errands or go on a walk, and I just get hit with fatigue and my whole body just feels tired. I have been told that most people don't feel "normal" for many months after chemo...that's a little discouraging, but all I can do is try to take it easy and not push myself too hard. I have also had some shortness of breath lately, which has been a little scary. I had a lung function test recently and am waiting on those results.

My hair was beginning to grow back during chemo treatments, and this worried me because I related it to the tumor I had above my heart growing as well, but after my last chemo, my hair has begun to fall out AGAIN. It's bittersweet. I thought it was weird for my hair to be growing back like it was during chemo, but I am now sad to see it falling out all over again. It is shedding a lot. Just to clarify, when I say my hair was growing back, it was still very sparse and short, but definitely growing. The best example of what my hair looks like right now would be Prince William's hair...I'm not trying to be mean, I swear! It is just a really good example. I still make it a point to avoid the mirror as much as possible when I do not have my head covered...it just shocks me how different I look...it's like looking at a stranger. I wear wigs more often than I thought that I would, and I HATE them. Why is it that there is no such thing as a comfortable wig?! They are all so itchy and hot! And I always feel like I can't think clearly with it on. I mostly wear them as a way to not draw attention to myself. When I wear a head scarf, I get so many stares...I could care less, but it is just annoying. Sometimes I just want to blend in and attempt to feel normal. My eyebrows have thinned out a lot, but are still there...I haven't had to get them waxed in months, and my eyelashes have also thinned out quite a bit, putting on mascara is a little difficult because there is not much there to work with...I'm just fortunate to have any eyelashes or eyebrows left at all.

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but cancer can really mess a person up. Physically, I just feel gross. I hate not having hair, and I hate my "new body." To top that off, I feel tired and weak...it sucks. Mentally, I just don't know how to process all that I have been through since February...it has all happened so fast, it seems unreal. I'm still in shock. Although I try my best to put into words how I am feeling through all of this, I have such a hard time finding the right way to describe everything. Since the chemo has ended, I just feel overwhelmed with all sorts of different emotions...
I am happy to be done with chemo. I am nervous about radiation. I am scared that when I have my PET scan it won't show clear. I am terrified that it will show clear and then come back later (Hodgkin's has the highest risk of coming back, if it's going to, the first 18 months after remission). I am exhausted from all of the worry and what I have been through physically. I am horrified that this cancer will kill me and I will not be able to do all of the things that I have always dreamed of, I have hardly even had a chance to "live" yet. I try not to think like that, but in all honesty, it is hard not to sometimes. It is so unfair to have these kind of stressful thoughts...especially at my age.

I have been trying to take full advantage of having this break before starting radiation, and I have enjoyed it so much. My sister took me to Santa Cruz for a two night stay for my birthday, she had me wear a blindfold along the way and she surprised me by picking up my best friend Jen who lives in Stockton! Such a great surprise! We had such a fun & relaxing time...it was much needed, lots of story telling and laughing. My sister is the BEST!! The picture to the left is (from left to right) my sister, me, and my best friend in Santa Cruz.

Beach in Half Moon Bay

The next weekend after that, my boyfriend Garrett surprised me with a one night stay in Half Moon Bay as part of my birthday gift. It was my first time there, and I loved it! We went to the beach, looked at all of the cute shops, and I again had a great weekend! 

I finally got a call scheduling my PET scan appointment, it will be done on Saturday, August 6th. I am hoping that my Doctor will have those results fairly soon after that. I am so nervous and scared for what those results are going to be...hoping for the best...but can't help thinking the worst. Keep your fingers crossed for me please for a clear scan. I am not sure on the exact date that I will begin radiation, but I would imagine that it would be soon after my PET scan.  

Thank you SO much to everyone for all of the love and support as I have gone through all of this. It means so much to me, and I truly do appreciate it. There is no way that I could get through any of this without all of the support that I have had from all of you!! Thank you!!!

Chemo-It does a body BAD.

I am going to make a confession...but please do not judge me! And this does NOT mean that when you see me, you can eye me up and down! Upon diagnosis of having cancer and being told that I would start chemotherapy, I secretly thought to myself that although it is going to be horrible, if I am going to HAVE to go through it, at least I will get to lose those unwanted pounds that I had been trying to shed. You know those ones that add up around the holidays and months of comfort food in the wintertime? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about...
Weight has always been a subject that I do not like to discuss. I am just sensitive about it, and not very open to talking about it...until now. Cancer will do that to people I guess. It has kind of made me not give a damn about certain things. That is what this whole blog is about anyway, right? Being completely honest...so here it goes! Instead of shedding that unwanted weight I was looking forward to finally getting rid of...I have gained weight! Yikes! How messed up is that? On top of being diagnosed with cancer at 25 years old, having my whole life put on hold, losing my hair, and feeling emotionally, physically, and mentally destroyed, I am coming out of this whole thing "chubbier?!" I am starting to think that I was a really bad person in my previous life.

All joking aside, it is the truth. I have been on a steroid drug throughout the chemotherapy, and they are known to cause an increase in appetite and water retention. The funny thing is, I have actually eaten less than before...but that is just how my luck goes. I have been completely inactive...going to my usual spin or kickboxing class while feeling like I have been hit by a bus has not appealed to me in the slightest during this. And I have definitely eaten more "carby comfort type foods" than I would have normally. So it makes sense. Plus, when I have craved something, my family has been more than willing to go out and get it for me...sometimes that would mean a chocolate milkshake...I can't say that I haven't taken advantage of that a little bit. During chemo, when feeling so crappy, who really wants to eat meat and veggies? Not me!! I mostly wanted soft, carbohydrate type foods or stuff that was sweet and cold. Basically anything that would go down smooth and be comforting to my tummy...aka the stuff that is not the best for your figure. I should mention that my Doctor also told me NO dieting whatsoever during chemotherapy, and told me that when given the choice between something that is non-fat or regular, to go with the regular choice since my body needs all of those extra nutrients.

Honestly, I am not too worried about it right now. At the moment, I just want to be cancer-free, I will worry about the other stuff later. I just found it amusing that it is such an assumption that many people make, myself included, that chemotherapy patients dwindle down to skeletons and look so "unhealthy" and lose tons of weight. After talking to many others that have gone through chemotherapy, they have also admitted to gaining weight, and statistically about 50% of patients gain, rather than lose weight during chemotherapy.  
 

That's a wrap for chemo...NOW on to radiation

Chemo #8 was exactly how I had expected it to be...horrible. It is so crazy what all of those chemo drugs do to your body and just how crappy they can make a person feel. It is definitely something that nobody should ever have to go through, but unfortunately it is the only way to get better. I had chemo on Thursday June 23rd, and didn't feel completely yucky until about Sunday...and the side effects are still wearing off now. Chemo makes me feel so exhausted! My energy feels like it has literally been zapped out of me. I cannot wait until I get my normal energy back and feel good again. During my really "bad chemo days" something so simple like walking up the stairs in my house, or having a conversation with someone, completely drains me. You would think that I would be able to sleep more through all of this since feeling so exhausted...but I have experienced just the opposite. I have had really bad insomnia through all of my treatments, maybe due to the steroid they have me on that makes me restless, the chemo drugs themselves, or straight anxiety, but I have only been able to take a few naps through this whole thing, and I am unable to fall asleep at a normal bedtime, so am up all night trying to get "sleepy." Trust me, I try forcing myself to sleep more, but it seems impossible and I hate having to take medication to make myself fall asleep. 

I am happy to say that I have finished up all 8 chemo treatments! It seemed like I would never get to the end of my chemo treatments...and here I am now, done. Although I am SO thrilled to be finished and am beyond relieved that I do not have another chemo treatment next week, I also do not feel quite ready to bust out the champagne and celebrate. I have gotten the impression that people think that I am done now that I am finished with chemo, but I still have to start & finish my radiation treatments and have that whole unknown "journey" to go through...which from what I hear, can be horrible all in itself. So let's put a hold on the celebratory party for now...at least until after a clear scan and I finish my radiation treatments...then a HUGE party is definitely in order! 

I am mostly just terrified to get too excited about anything until first, I get a scan done that shows that there is no longer any cancer lingering in my body, and second, when I get through and finish all of my radiation treatments. I just do not feel like I am quite finished with anything yet until I am completely done with ALL treatments and told that I am in  remission. It is crazy how cancer can really make a person lose all optimism at times. My way of thinking is that I never would have thought that I could get cancer at 25 years old in the first place, and if something that bad can happen to me, than anything bad can happen at anytime...if that makes sense? Which scares me further about my upcoming scan at the end of July and whether or not that will show clear. Having cancer has instilled a fear in me that I never had before. It has made me realize just how little control we have over things. Now I know that this is not logical, but pre-cancer, I assumed that because I did not smoke, did not do drugs, only drank alcohol occasionally, ate healthy, went to the gym, adopted stray animals, and felt like I was overall a good person, that something horrible like cancer just would not happen to me. I'm not saying that I thought people who have cancer deserved it in ANY way, but I just assumed that by doing all of the "right things" in life that I was kind of insuring myself against getting something so horrible. I guess you could call me naive. I am not trying to make this a negative post...but I emotionally feel a little mixed up about this whole situation at times, and the question of "WHY?" enters my mind often. 

I will have a whole month of (almost) no appointments before starting radiation, and this is SO exciting to me! I will also have time to hopefully start feeling better now that I will not have another chemo treatment to make me feel so awful. Since I was getting chemo every other week, usually right as I would start to finally feel better a week or so after chemo, I would have to get another treatment and start all over again with the disgusting feeling from the side effects. I plan on taking the time off of no chemo or appointments and just resting lots and hopefully letting my body start to heal and prepare for the radiation treatments that lay ahead. This will be perfect timing to celebrate my birthday! Who would have thought last year that all I would want for my birthday this year is a clear PET scan and to be cancer free???

Hoping that my birthday wish comes true!

7 chemo treatments under my belt...1 more to go!

I finished chemo #7, and now have just one more to complete on June 23rd! Hopefully that will be my last time EVER receiving any type of chemotherapy. This whole experience has been horrible, and especially as I get closer to finishing, it has just gotten worse and worse. I was told by my Doctor that I will have a PetScan done sometime at the end of July to check my progress and make sure the chemo has killed all of those nasty cancer cells...GOD I hope it did! I honestly do not think that I can endure more chemo than I already have. Just the thought of chemo #8 makes me ill to think about. This will be my first scan since starting chemo, and to be honest, it completely terrifies me!! The thought of having to wait and receive those results gives me a full on panic attack. Assuming everything is clear, I will then move on to radiation. I should be starting that in August at some point, and will find out the exact number of treatments after the results of my PetScan come back. 

I've experienced horrible pain in my esophagus once again...what's new? But this has definitely been the worst it has been so far. I finally convinced my Oncologist that a burning/painful esophagus is NOT good, so he gave me some liquid Carafate to take 4 times a day...which has really not done much for my poor esophagus at all. The pain was so intense on Sunday night that my mom had her purse in hand and was ready to drive me to the emergency room. I am completely against sharing prescription medications...but was willing to try anything to avoid a dreadful night in the E.R., so I tried one of my dad's Protonix (used to treat GERD) and was so happy that it eased the pain and burning rather quickly and I was able to avoid a hospital visit. Don't worry my pharmacy friends...I will be getting a prescription of my own for it :) 

My anti-nausea medications have continued to stop me from vomiting (although I still feel nauseous), but like with most meds. can bring on a whole new bout of side effects....to be honest, they make you completely constipated! Sorry if that's a little too much info. but I have vowed from the beginning to keep this blog real...and that's what I am going to continue to do. So I am then forced to take more meds. to help with those side effects...see how this can just keep going on and on? Never ending! You basically have to treat one side effect with a medication that then gives you another side effect, etc... I've also dealt with the intense muscle aches & pains, mostly under my arm pits and my neck...they get really swollen and sore to touch. My Doctor said that this is caused by one of the chemo drugs that I receive (Vinblastine). Have I mentioned that I cannot wait to be done with all of this??

Some good news...I got a lung function test done last week before chemo #7 to see how my lungs are holding up from all of this toxic chemo I've been getting, and my results came back good! Or at least good enough to finish up chemo and not have to take out the Bleomycin (one of my chemo drugs I receive that is very toxic to my lungs). I also had some more blood work done before chemo #7, and my white blood cell count is still pretty good, no need for any shots to boost it so far...which is great news.

A few people who I have met that are survivors of cancer have told me that having cancer and going through this "journey" actually turned out to be a blessing for them. I am definitely not ready to say that it has been a blessing to go through any of this, but I will say that some things have become more clear than before I had cancer and there are some positive things that have come out of it that I want to acknowledge...

•  Although I was quite appreciative before, I am now even more thankful for the wonderful family and friends that I have in my life. The support and love that I have received has been overwhelming & amazing, and I am forever thankful. Having cancer has allowed me to quickly distinguish those who really care about me, from those who do not.  
• Since I was first diagnosed with cancer I have had friends, friends of friends, neighbors, etc. that immediately put me into contact with other people they knew who have either already battled cancer, or are still in the middle of battling it. Having these people to reach out and talk to has been so amazing. I have been able to form my own little support group, and am able to compare other people's experiences with my own. I find all of these people to be so inspirational, and if I had not been diagnosed with cancer, I would most likely never have had the opportunity to get to know any of them. 
• I now know just how fragile life is. Tomorrow really is not guaranteed, so it is important to get the most out of life. I feel that I truly know what is important in my life, and this experience has allowed me to reassess some of my goals and what I want for my future.
•  Even with as awful as this has been for me, I have seen that it can always be worse. No matter how bad you think that you have it or how terrible your situation is, there is almost always somebody else out there who has it way worse than you. This has made me want to be kinder and more patient with people, because you never know what somebody else is going through. When I have my wig on and am out getting some coffee or lunch, nobody would ever be able to tell that I am a cancer patient in the middle of chemotherapy. 

• I will never take feeling good and having energy for granted. After knowing what it feels like to truly feel rundown and sick, I have such a great appreciation for the times that I feel well and "healthy." Cancer has taught me to not take your good health for granted. Although I have cancer at 25, I had no symptoms before being diagnosed, and feel that I did not truly appreciate being healthy and active...until now. 

Thank you so much again to all of my family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers, neighbors, other cancer survivors, strangers, etc. that have been so awesome and showed me so much love and support! Everybody has been so great to me! I have received cards in the mail, emails, phone calls, text messages, etc. and they all mean SO much to me. It is such a great feeling when I get comments on here or emails from people who have stumbled upon my blog who are also fighting cancer or who are the family member of somebody who has cancer, and they say that this blog has helped them...it's the BEST feeling. 

Even though I am the one fighting cancer, it is a great feeling to know that I have so much support behind me...it really makes me feel like I am not fighting this alone. 

I just want to add on here that I am doing a walk on October 22nd for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. It is called Light The Night Walk, and I have heard from other people who have previously participated that it is such a great event. I have never participated in an event where I attempt to raise money for a cause, but have heard so many wonderful things about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and trust that the money being raised is truly going to move them closer to finding a cure for blood cancers, and helping people like myself. If you are interested at all in donating any amount, just go to the link below, this is my fundraising page. Or if you prefer, you could do the walk yourself and set up your own fundraising page!

http://pages.lightthenight.org/sac/Sacra11/SHolmes

Thank you so much!