SCANic Attack

I have my first PET Scan tomorrow since starting chemo, and I am freaking out a little bit. It seems that most people have a scan at their halfway point with chemo to check their progress and make sure that they are responding well to chemo, but for some reason my Doctor didn't think one would be necessary, so this will be my first since finishing all of my 8 chemo treatments. I have been a little more on edge lately, and my mind only seems to be thinking about those scan results. I constantly play out different scenarios in my head of my Doctor saying that the chemo didn't work, or saying that it did work but I need more because the tumor is still partially there, or everything is clear (which is what I'm hoping for). I am hoping that in the future when I get scanned I am less of a stress case. I've been told that with each clear scan, they get a little easier. But as you can imagine, I am just completely anxious because I have done all of that chemo, and really have no idea whether it worked or not. I know I ask for a lot of good thoughts and prayers, but please send them my way once again for clear PET Scan results! Thank you so much! 

Got ink? I do.

Just a little update of sorts. Nothing too new to report, just enjoying my time before starting radiation. I had an appointment with my Radiology Oncologist on Tuesday July 26th, and they started getting me "prepped" for radiation. My Doctor will decide on the amount of radiation I will receive after she gets my PET scan results, but has decided that I will start radiation on August 8th. My PET scan is on August 6th, so she will have my results by the 8th and decide on my specific radiation plan. During my appointment on Tuesday, I was told that I would get little permanent tattoos of dots on my chest so that they know the area they will be radiating each time. I was so nervous about this since I have no tattoos and was worried it would hurt...such a baby. But it was actually not that bad. They tattooed three very small dots, one right in the middle of my chest (this one hurt the worst), and then one on each side of me (right below my armpits). From what I understand, the tattooed dots just map out the area that they will be radiating. I will keep everybody posted about my PET scan results, and will be sure to write about my experience with radiation. The nurse told me that with radiation to expect major fatigue (already feeling that), a possible sore throat, esophagus pain, trouble swallowing, and a sort of sun burn on the chest and back. Not to mention the possibility of other long term effects that I had to carefully read over and sign a consent for. Usually during radiation they fit a mask to people's faces that basically keeps them in place while receiving the radiation so that they are in the exact same spot every time during treatment, but the nurse said that I will not be needing one...I am a little confused/worried about that since this mask is what keeps people from moving, and helps ensure accuracy. I plan on checking with my Doctor about this...it's not really something that I want them to make a mistake on. I say just give me the mask if it's going to help me from moving while receiving radiation. Above is a picture of what that mask looks like so that you have an idea of what I'm talking about. 

Since chemo has ended, I have physically just felt really exhausted. It seems like I am more fatigued and tired now than I was during chemo. I have also just felt really sore and achy...which I am sure is just from the after effects of the chemo. I'm probably just being overly sensitive, but I feel the expectation that now that I am done with chemo that I should feel back to myself right away, and just jump back into normal life. But I don't feel back to myself or "normal," I expect this to take some time. Unless you or somebody close to you has or had cancer, you probably will not understand that it is quite a process that requires a lot of patience. "After treatment" healing is just as important as during....I feel that I have so much healing to do physically, mentally, and emotionally. It is a long transition to getting back to "normal" life. For many years to come, I will constantly be going to Doctor's appointments and cancer will always be on my mind. I know that once I am "clear," I cannot let this take over my life, and I don't plan on it...but it's not something I can just forget and not worry about either. It has changed my life forever. I have noticed that the emotions of all that I have been through have started to catch up with me a lot. During chemo treatment, I was too sick and "drugged" to really think about what I was going through. Now that chemo has stopped and I can think more clearly, all that I have endured in the last 6 months just seems unreal.

I came across this book and ordered it, I only found it available in the UK, but think that it is one of the best books written for people who have had cancer. I wish that everybody who has been through any type of cancer would read this, it helps so much. It was not that badly priced either, I ordered it off of Amazon...I highly recommend it.

A little bit of this...and a little bit of that.

It's been over 3 weeks since my last chemo, and it has been so nice to allow my body a break from being pumped full of toxic drugs...the thought of it still makes my stomach turn. I do not feel back to "normal" by any means, but it is still so relieving to be done with chemo. My energy level is so low and I get extremely exhausted if I overdo it at all, my body also feels really sore...almost like body aches. It is hard to find a good balance. I will be feeling pretty good and go run some errands or go on a walk, and I just get hit with fatigue and my whole body just feels tired. I have been told that most people don't feel "normal" for many months after chemo...that's a little discouraging, but all I can do is try to take it easy and not push myself too hard. I have also had some shortness of breath lately, which has been a little scary. I had a lung function test recently and am waiting on those results.

My hair was beginning to grow back during chemo treatments, and this worried me because I related it to the tumor I had above my heart growing as well, but after my last chemo, my hair has begun to fall out AGAIN. It's bittersweet. I thought it was weird for my hair to be growing back like it was during chemo, but I am now sad to see it falling out all over again. It is shedding a lot. Just to clarify, when I say my hair was growing back, it was still very sparse and short, but definitely growing. The best example of what my hair looks like right now would be Prince William's hair...I'm not trying to be mean, I swear! It is just a really good example. I still make it a point to avoid the mirror as much as possible when I do not have my head covered...it just shocks me how different I look...it's like looking at a stranger. I wear wigs more often than I thought that I would, and I HATE them. Why is it that there is no such thing as a comfortable wig?! They are all so itchy and hot! And I always feel like I can't think clearly with it on. I mostly wear them as a way to not draw attention to myself. When I wear a head scarf, I get so many stares...I could care less, but it is just annoying. Sometimes I just want to blend in and attempt to feel normal. My eyebrows have thinned out a lot, but are still there...I haven't had to get them waxed in months, and my eyelashes have also thinned out quite a bit, putting on mascara is a little difficult because there is not much there to work with...I'm just fortunate to have any eyelashes or eyebrows left at all.

I don't want to sound like a broken record, but cancer can really mess a person up. Physically, I just feel gross. I hate not having hair, and I hate my "new body." To top that off, I feel tired and weak...it sucks. Mentally, I just don't know how to process all that I have been through since February...it has all happened so fast, it seems unreal. I'm still in shock. Although I try my best to put into words how I am feeling through all of this, I have such a hard time finding the right way to describe everything. Since the chemo has ended, I just feel overwhelmed with all sorts of different emotions...
I am happy to be done with chemo. I am nervous about radiation. I am scared that when I have my PET scan it won't show clear. I am terrified that it will show clear and then come back later (Hodgkin's has the highest risk of coming back, if it's going to, the first 18 months after remission). I am exhausted from all of the worry and what I have been through physically. I am horrified that this cancer will kill me and I will not be able to do all of the things that I have always dreamed of, I have hardly even had a chance to "live" yet. I try not to think like that, but in all honesty, it is hard not to sometimes. It is so unfair to have these kind of stressful thoughts...especially at my age.

I have been trying to take full advantage of having this break before starting radiation, and I have enjoyed it so much. My sister took me to Santa Cruz for a two night stay for my birthday, she had me wear a blindfold along the way and she surprised me by picking up my best friend Jen who lives in Stockton! Such a great surprise! We had such a fun & relaxing time...it was much needed, lots of story telling and laughing. My sister is the BEST!! The picture to the left is (from left to right) my sister, me, and my best friend in Santa Cruz.

Beach in Half Moon Bay

The next weekend after that, my boyfriend Garrett surprised me with a one night stay in Half Moon Bay as part of my birthday gift. It was my first time there, and I loved it! We went to the beach, looked at all of the cute shops, and I again had a great weekend! 

I finally got a call scheduling my PET scan appointment, it will be done on Saturday, August 6th. I am hoping that my Doctor will have those results fairly soon after that. I am so nervous and scared for what those results are going to be...hoping for the best...but can't help thinking the worst. Keep your fingers crossed for me please for a clear scan. I am not sure on the exact date that I will begin radiation, but I would imagine that it would be soon after my PET scan.  

Thank you SO much to everyone for all of the love and support as I have gone through all of this. It means so much to me, and I truly do appreciate it. There is no way that I could get through any of this without all of the support that I have had from all of you!! Thank you!!!

Chemo-It does a body BAD.

I am going to make a confession...but please do not judge me! And this does NOT mean that when you see me, you can eye me up and down! Upon diagnosis of having cancer and being told that I would start chemotherapy, I secretly thought to myself that although it is going to be horrible, if I am going to HAVE to go through it, at least I will get to lose those unwanted pounds that I had been trying to shed. You know those ones that add up around the holidays and months of comfort food in the wintertime? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about...
Weight has always been a subject that I do not like to discuss. I am just sensitive about it, and not very open to talking about it...until now. Cancer will do that to people I guess. It has kind of made me not give a damn about certain things. That is what this whole blog is about anyway, right? Being completely honest...so here it goes! Instead of shedding that unwanted weight I was looking forward to finally getting rid of...I have gained weight! Yikes! How messed up is that? On top of being diagnosed with cancer at 25 years old, having my whole life put on hold, losing my hair, and feeling emotionally, physically, and mentally destroyed, I am coming out of this whole thing "chubbier?!" I am starting to think that I was a really bad person in my previous life.

All joking aside, it is the truth. I have been on a steroid drug throughout the chemotherapy, and they are known to cause an increase in appetite and water retention. The funny thing is, I have actually eaten less than before...but that is just how my luck goes. I have been completely inactive...going to my usual spin or kickboxing class while feeling like I have been hit by a bus has not appealed to me in the slightest during this. And I have definitely eaten more "carby comfort type foods" than I would have normally. So it makes sense. Plus, when I have craved something, my family has been more than willing to go out and get it for me...sometimes that would mean a chocolate milkshake...I can't say that I haven't taken advantage of that a little bit. During chemo, when feeling so crappy, who really wants to eat meat and veggies? Not me!! I mostly wanted soft, carbohydrate type foods or stuff that was sweet and cold. Basically anything that would go down smooth and be comforting to my tummy...aka the stuff that is not the best for your figure. I should mention that my Doctor also told me NO dieting whatsoever during chemotherapy, and told me that when given the choice between something that is non-fat or regular, to go with the regular choice since my body needs all of those extra nutrients.

Honestly, I am not too worried about it right now. At the moment, I just want to be cancer-free, I will worry about the other stuff later. I just found it amusing that it is such an assumption that many people make, myself included, that chemotherapy patients dwindle down to skeletons and look so "unhealthy" and lose tons of weight. After talking to many others that have gone through chemotherapy, they have also admitted to gaining weight, and statistically about 50% of patients gain, rather than lose weight during chemotherapy.  
 

That's a wrap for chemo...NOW on to radiation

Chemo #8 was exactly how I had expected it to be...horrible. It is so crazy what all of those chemo drugs do to your body and just how crappy they can make a person feel. It is definitely something that nobody should ever have to go through, but unfortunately it is the only way to get better. I had chemo on Thursday June 23rd, and didn't feel completely yucky until about Sunday...and the side effects are still wearing off now. Chemo makes me feel so exhausted! My energy feels like it has literally been zapped out of me. I cannot wait until I get my normal energy back and feel good again. During my really "bad chemo days" something so simple like walking up the stairs in my house, or having a conversation with someone, completely drains me. You would think that I would be able to sleep more through all of this since feeling so exhausted...but I have experienced just the opposite. I have had really bad insomnia through all of my treatments, maybe due to the steroid they have me on that makes me restless, the chemo drugs themselves, or straight anxiety, but I have only been able to take a few naps through this whole thing, and I am unable to fall asleep at a normal bedtime, so am up all night trying to get "sleepy." Trust me, I try forcing myself to sleep more, but it seems impossible and I hate having to take medication to make myself fall asleep. 

I am happy to say that I have finished up all 8 chemo treatments! It seemed like I would never get to the end of my chemo treatments...and here I am now, done. Although I am SO thrilled to be finished and am beyond relieved that I do not have another chemo treatment next week, I also do not feel quite ready to bust out the champagne and celebrate. I have gotten the impression that people think that I am done now that I am finished with chemo, but I still have to start & finish my radiation treatments and have that whole unknown "journey" to go through...which from what I hear, can be horrible all in itself. So let's put a hold on the celebratory party for now...at least until after a clear scan and I finish my radiation treatments...then a HUGE party is definitely in order! 

I am mostly just terrified to get too excited about anything until first, I get a scan done that shows that there is no longer any cancer lingering in my body, and second, when I get through and finish all of my radiation treatments. I just do not feel like I am quite finished with anything yet until I am completely done with ALL treatments and told that I am in  remission. It is crazy how cancer can really make a person lose all optimism at times. My way of thinking is that I never would have thought that I could get cancer at 25 years old in the first place, and if something that bad can happen to me, than anything bad can happen at anytime...if that makes sense? Which scares me further about my upcoming scan at the end of July and whether or not that will show clear. Having cancer has instilled a fear in me that I never had before. It has made me realize just how little control we have over things. Now I know that this is not logical, but pre-cancer, I assumed that because I did not smoke, did not do drugs, only drank alcohol occasionally, ate healthy, went to the gym, adopted stray animals, and felt like I was overall a good person, that something horrible like cancer just would not happen to me. I'm not saying that I thought people who have cancer deserved it in ANY way, but I just assumed that by doing all of the "right things" in life that I was kind of insuring myself against getting something so horrible. I guess you could call me naive. I am not trying to make this a negative post...but I emotionally feel a little mixed up about this whole situation at times, and the question of "WHY?" enters my mind often. 

I will have a whole month of (almost) no appointments before starting radiation, and this is SO exciting to me! I will also have time to hopefully start feeling better now that I will not have another chemo treatment to make me feel so awful. Since I was getting chemo every other week, usually right as I would start to finally feel better a week or so after chemo, I would have to get another treatment and start all over again with the disgusting feeling from the side effects. I plan on taking the time off of no chemo or appointments and just resting lots and hopefully letting my body start to heal and prepare for the radiation treatments that lay ahead. This will be perfect timing to celebrate my birthday! Who would have thought last year that all I would want for my birthday this year is a clear PET scan and to be cancer free???

Hoping that my birthday wish comes true!

7 chemo treatments under my belt...1 more to go!

I finished chemo #7, and now have just one more to complete on June 23rd! Hopefully that will be my last time EVER receiving any type of chemotherapy. This whole experience has been horrible, and especially as I get closer to finishing, it has just gotten worse and worse. I was told by my Doctor that I will have a PetScan done sometime at the end of July to check my progress and make sure the chemo has killed all of those nasty cancer cells...GOD I hope it did! I honestly do not think that I can endure more chemo than I already have. Just the thought of chemo #8 makes me ill to think about. This will be my first scan since starting chemo, and to be honest, it completely terrifies me!! The thought of having to wait and receive those results gives me a full on panic attack. Assuming everything is clear, I will then move on to radiation. I should be starting that in August at some point, and will find out the exact number of treatments after the results of my PetScan come back. 

I've experienced horrible pain in my esophagus once again...what's new? But this has definitely been the worst it has been so far. I finally convinced my Oncologist that a burning/painful esophagus is NOT good, so he gave me some liquid Carafate to take 4 times a day...which has really not done much for my poor esophagus at all. The pain was so intense on Sunday night that my mom had her purse in hand and was ready to drive me to the emergency room. I am completely against sharing prescription medications...but was willing to try anything to avoid a dreadful night in the E.R., so I tried one of my dad's Protonix (used to treat GERD) and was so happy that it eased the pain and burning rather quickly and I was able to avoid a hospital visit. Don't worry my pharmacy friends...I will be getting a prescription of my own for it :) 

My anti-nausea medications have continued to stop me from vomiting (although I still feel nauseous), but like with most meds. can bring on a whole new bout of side effects....to be honest, they make you completely constipated! Sorry if that's a little too much info. but I have vowed from the beginning to keep this blog real...and that's what I am going to continue to do. So I am then forced to take more meds. to help with those side effects...see how this can just keep going on and on? Never ending! You basically have to treat one side effect with a medication that then gives you another side effect, etc... I've also dealt with the intense muscle aches & pains, mostly under my arm pits and my neck...they get really swollen and sore to touch. My Doctor said that this is caused by one of the chemo drugs that I receive (Vinblastine). Have I mentioned that I cannot wait to be done with all of this??

Some good news...I got a lung function test done last week before chemo #7 to see how my lungs are holding up from all of this toxic chemo I've been getting, and my results came back good! Or at least good enough to finish up chemo and not have to take out the Bleomycin (one of my chemo drugs I receive that is very toxic to my lungs). I also had some more blood work done before chemo #7, and my white blood cell count is still pretty good, no need for any shots to boost it so far...which is great news.

A few people who I have met that are survivors of cancer have told me that having cancer and going through this "journey" actually turned out to be a blessing for them. I am definitely not ready to say that it has been a blessing to go through any of this, but I will say that some things have become more clear than before I had cancer and there are some positive things that have come out of it that I want to acknowledge...

•  Although I was quite appreciative before, I am now even more thankful for the wonderful family and friends that I have in my life. The support and love that I have received has been overwhelming & amazing, and I am forever thankful. Having cancer has allowed me to quickly distinguish those who really care about me, from those who do not.  
• Since I was first diagnosed with cancer I have had friends, friends of friends, neighbors, etc. that immediately put me into contact with other people they knew who have either already battled cancer, or are still in the middle of battling it. Having these people to reach out and talk to has been so amazing. I have been able to form my own little support group, and am able to compare other people's experiences with my own. I find all of these people to be so inspirational, and if I had not been diagnosed with cancer, I would most likely never have had the opportunity to get to know any of them. 
• I now know just how fragile life is. Tomorrow really is not guaranteed, so it is important to get the most out of life. I feel that I truly know what is important in my life, and this experience has allowed me to reassess some of my goals and what I want for my future.
•  Even with as awful as this has been for me, I have seen that it can always be worse. No matter how bad you think that you have it or how terrible your situation is, there is almost always somebody else out there who has it way worse than you. This has made me want to be kinder and more patient with people, because you never know what somebody else is going through. When I have my wig on and am out getting some coffee or lunch, nobody would ever be able to tell that I am a cancer patient in the middle of chemotherapy. 

• I will never take feeling good and having energy for granted. After knowing what it feels like to truly feel rundown and sick, I have such a great appreciation for the times that I feel well and "healthy." Cancer has taught me to not take your good health for granted. Although I have cancer at 25, I had no symptoms before being diagnosed, and feel that I did not truly appreciate being healthy and active...until now. 

Thank you so much again to all of my family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers, neighbors, other cancer survivors, strangers, etc. that have been so awesome and showed me so much love and support! Everybody has been so great to me! I have received cards in the mail, emails, phone calls, text messages, etc. and they all mean SO much to me. It is such a great feeling when I get comments on here or emails from people who have stumbled upon my blog who are also fighting cancer or who are the family member of somebody who has cancer, and they say that this blog has helped them...it's the BEST feeling. 

Even though I am the one fighting cancer, it is a great feeling to know that I have so much support behind me...it really makes me feel like I am not fighting this alone. 

I just want to add on here that I am doing a walk on October 22nd for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. It is called Light The Night Walk, and I have heard from other people who have previously participated that it is such a great event. I have never participated in an event where I attempt to raise money for a cause, but have heard so many wonderful things about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and trust that the money being raised is truly going to move them closer to finding a cure for blood cancers, and helping people like myself. If you are interested at all in donating any amount, just go to the link below, this is my fundraising page. Or if you prefer, you could do the walk yourself and set up your own fundraising page!

http://pages.lightthenight.org/sac/Sacra11/SHolmes

Thank you so much!

6th chemo down...2 more to go!

There is some light at the end of the "chemo tunnel!" I had my 6th chemo treatment on Thursday May 26. I had such a hard time getting myself ready for this treatment because absolutely every ounce of me did NOT want to go. You see, the good thing is I now know what to expect with each chemo treatment....and the bad thing is I now know what to expect with each chemo treatment. Even thinking of and typing that word makes me queasy. I am just really starting to dread the entire process...I'm not saying that I didn't absolutely dread it before, but it has definitely gotten a lot worse with each round...if that's possible. 

The day of my chemo treatment is always so depressing. I normally have it at about 2:30 p.m. so I'm pretty much spending those days waiting until that time to go get "poisoned." When I get to the Oncology department is when the reality sets in that I am a "real" cancer patient arriving to my chemotherapy appointment...not a good feeling. The whole atmosphere is pretty dreary. I am always the youngest patient there, so often get lots of stares directed my way. And the waiting area is just packed full of people, and most look so sick and lifeless...not that I look much better, but it just makes the whole setting seem mournful. When I am called back to get my chemo treatment, the sick feeling in my stomach really starts up. I am given anti-nausea medications to stop me from feeling nauseous/vomiting, and then the nurse gives the pharmacy the "okay" to put together my 4 drug chemotherapy combo. The nurse cleans, numbs, and "accesses" my port and then gets ready to start pumping me full of the yucky drugs. During my last chemo, even the sight of these drugs made me want to vomit...especially the bright reddish pink one (Adriamycin). I have no idea how I am going to get through 2 more treatments without getting sick. Everything about chemo makes me feel disgusting and nauseous. It's like going out drinking shots of tequila ALL night and then getting sick from it and thinking about what you drank the next day...complete stomach turn and watery mouth...UGH!

With chemo #6, I again did not feel the horrible side effects until about Sunday night. My face started to turn a dark orange/red color, my skin started to feel irritated, my stomach got really queasy, esophagus burned horribly, hands & feet were tingly, severe pain in my neck & chest, and I felt weak, tired, & lethargic. This lasted until today before it has started to slowly wear off...and I have been HATING every second of how I have felt. My sense of smell is so strong, and my taste buds are dull. Nothing tastes right, even water has the nastiest taste! It is so hard to drink a lot of water during those really bad days because it tastes like chemicals to me. 

On a more positive note, my white blood cell count has been good enough that I have not had to get any shots to boost it...I heard they are very painful. Often times, people's chemo treatments gets postponed due to a low white blood cell count, but my counts have been hanging in there pretty good so I have not had to postpone any treatments. Also, my hair has started to grow back. It is very sparse, but it seems to be getting longer. It still looks ridiculous so I often wear a wig or a head scarf when I go anywhere. I was concerned about it growing back since I am still going through chemo and thought that since cells are dying, nothing should be growing yet...but when I asked my Doctor about it he said it is normal...hopefully he is right, since he also said that my burning esophagus is "GOOD," obviously he has never felt the pain of a burning esophagus, because there is nothing good about it. 
  
One of the many hard parts of having cancer and going through chemo is trying to make people understand just how sick and exhausted I feel from my treatments. No matter how I try to explain it, nobody will fully know unless they experience it themselves. Fortunately, most people in my life have been SO amazing and understanding...I appreciate them so much. If I had to choose something positive that has come with having cancer, it is that I truly know now who my "real" friends & family are, and will forever be grateful to those people & keep them close in my life.
I am surprised by some people that I know who have not even said one word to me through this (I think that it is always better to say something rather than nothing), or there have been those who have not been very understanding when I haven't felt well enough to attend an event or hang out like I used to. As much as I would love to continue living life normally right now...my life is anything but that. Don't get me wrong, I love to try doing "normal" things when I am feeling well enough and have the energy to do so, but I am just surprised that some people have acted upset or mad at me when I have not been able to, it really is so selfish of them...and at this point I have no room in my life for selfish people. It is not like I am just battling a cold here...I am battling something much more serious. I don't expect people to treat me "special," but just have some respect for how I may be feeling from my treatments and not get offended or take it personally if I pass on an invite. 

My next chemo (#7) is on Thursday June 9th, please send lots of good thoughts my way :) 
I wish so badly that I was already finished and had no more chemo treatments left...but I'm just grateful to be in the homestretch. I am really hoping that radiation is a breeze compared to chemo...from what other people have told me, it's about 50/50. About half have said it is super easy compared to yucky chemo....and the other half have said it was worse. Each person's experience is so different, I guess I will just have to find out for myself. Thank you SO much again for all of the good thoughts and prayers!! They are VERY much appreciated!!