Happy one year cancerversary to me!

It's been a while since I've updated this, so I thought I would write a short entry. I've thought about discontinuing this blog altogether since I've had no time to update it and there really isn't too much to update about these days anyway. But then I remembered that when I was first diagnosed with cancer (which was already a year and a half ago!) I would read people's blogs and as soon as their treatments ended, so did their blog entries. Well...being newly diagnosed with something as horrific as cancer and not knowing much about it, I was scared when I saw that nobody updated after their treatments and I was curious how they were doing afterward and whether they stayed in remission or not. So I have decided to keep my blog up and try updating every now and then until I at least hit my second year in remission. Plus, according to my stats, I am still getting page views daily, which is great! :) 

Things have surprisingly fallen back into place pretty quickly. Upon first being diagnosed and during my treatments, I honestly couldn't even imagine living a "normal" life again. I did not think that I would ever get over the fact that I had gone through something so horrible and be able to move on from it. How could I ever get over something like that? Well, I'm glad that I didn't get stuck in that mindset and that I've been able to move forward. Life is too short to waste worrying about something that I have no control over anyway, right? I will admit that during scan time, my attitude on this can definitely change. Scan time, which is every 6 months, brings out stress & anxiety that I luckily do not always have. But there is nothing worse than "scanxiety," I'm sure all cancer patients would agree with me on that. And speaking of scans, my latest one in June came back clear! My next one is scheduled for early December...fingers crossed for a clear one on that as well. I just hit the one year mark of being in remission and I think as I get closer to that magical 2 year mark, my worrying about relapse will ease up (I am highest risk for relapse within the first two years after treatment). I have returned to school and have been working so hard to finish the last science classes that I have left, and I have been doing really well in them...maybe even better than before cancer. I'm just so much more focused and determined than ever before. I feel like I now know what my purpose is, and this has motivated me tremendously.

My attitude and outlook on life is so different now than it was pre-cancer...and in a good way. Why couldn't I feel this way without having to have gone through all of that? Well that's something I will never know the answer to, and I'm becoming more and more ok with that. I wish I could say that after battling (and winning) cancer, that I don't stress out or let the little things get to me, but that would be a big lie. I can say though, that I have learned to be a much more understanding, caring, and compassionate person, and I've realized that the things that I thought were "important" before are actually not very important at all.

Yes, having cancer is one of the worst things imaginable, and I hate the fact that I sometimes feel like I have this sort of "baggage" that I'm carrying around, but I'm learning to own it. My life is forever changed, but I am enjoying the gift of seeing life from the other side of the coin. Most people will live their entire lives and never get to see it the way that I now do. There are things to be thankful for everyday. 

The picture below represents so much to me. The picture to the left was taken about 4 months prior to my cancer diagnosis, the one in the middle was taken during my battle (obviously), and the one on the right was taken just last month (notice the growing hair, lol). I used to be embarrassed of the middle picture and thought I would never let anybody see it, but I am actually really proud of it now. This picture symbolizes who I was before cancer, and what I overcame to become who I am now.

Cheers to a HEALTHY 2012.

I finished chemo about 7 months ago, and finished radiation close to 5 months ago. The time has surprisingly gone by really fast! Things are pretty much returning to normal at this point. I started back at school this week (I was doing online classes during chemo/radiation). And I have also started working out at the gym taking spin and cardio kickboxing classes for the last few weeks. Starting at the gym again was not fun or easy at first, but it's getting easier each time I go. It has felt amazing to be back again, I just feel so much stronger already. I have also started eating really "clean" and as organic as possible. That has made me feel so much better also! There are a few lingering side effects that will hopefully go away or get better in time. One of them is that out of nowhere, my fingers get completely numb and tingly and turn pale white. It is so annoying! And I also still deal with the fatigue. I notice that I have to be careful not to overdo it, or I am exhausted for days after and have to try catching up on rest.

After my last scan in December, which came back clear, my cancer anxiety has really subsided. The worrying about it coming back is still there at times, but is definitely not in the front of my mind like it was just last month. I am trying to pick my life back up and "live" and enjoy every moment that I can. It's weird to go through all that I have and then just have things return to normal...it's like, what was the point of all of that? Why did that have to happen to ME? Hopefully there is a really important life lesson that I will learn from all of it, and I'll be able to help other people learn from my experience as well.


There have recently been some changes in my personal life regarding the relationship that I was in. Normally I'm a pretty private person about that stuff, but I feel like the whole point of this blog from the very beginning has always been to be 100% honest about my ENTIRE "cancer journey," and since I was in a relationship the whole time up until recently, it's something I feel I should bring up. I refuse to blame cancer for the deterioration of that relationship. After having cancer, I am just so much more aware of how selfish people can be and I refuse to have people like that in my life. I only want to be surrounded by people who are going to bring goodness and joy to my life. It is impossible to go through cancer and be in a relationship with somebody whose main concern is only themselves. There were so many things that got swept under the rug because I felt that maybe my cancer was hard on him, and that he didn't know how to take it or act toward me. I am not into ex-boyfriend bashing at all, and that is not what I am trying to do here!

I understand that being with someone who is going through a cancer diagnosis is not easy at all. It definitely takes a REAL man who is caring and patient to do so. But I was wrong for making so many excuses for somebody who should not have stayed with me during that time to begin with, and should have left the relationship in the beginning of my diagnosis when I suggested it. I know that it is not a good position to be in, to have your girlfriend or boyfriend suddenly diagnosed with cancer, but I do KNOW that if I were not the person with the cancer, but instead the girlfriend of someone diagnosed with cancer, that I would be there for them 100% of the time. I would not remind my boyfriend as he lay in bed sick after chemo that he used to work out at the gym. I would not ask when he will be wearing "hot" clothing again like he used to while he's in the middle of fighting for his life. I would not complain about petty & shallow things such as my "weird looking toe" and wanting to have surgery on it to my boyfriend whose only wish is to win his battle with cancer and live a full life. When going to spend the night with my boyfriend who is going through chemo and dealing with the gnarly side effects such as insomnia, I would not lay there complaining about the t.v. being on low and the dim light bothering me. IF my sick boyfriend wanted to get out of the house on his "good week" during chemo, I would not complain about having no money, especially when he would be just as happy (if not more) going on a walk or a bike ride...which are both FREE. I would not start a trendy diet as my boyfriend is going through chemo, instead I would be laying next to him drinking a milkshake. And most importantly, I would not choose going out to bars & clubs while my boyfriend lay in bed sick with cancer, wondering whether he is going to live or die. I would be right there with him even if he suggested I hang out with my friends, reassuring him that WE will get through this together, and I would make sure he knew that if he could not be out having fun at bars and clubs, than I wouldn't want to either. 
I was told upon diagnosis that cancer will be the ultimate test in determining the strength of a relationship, and obviously mine was not strong at all. I am not trying to bash anyone, I am just talking about my experience, and hopefully others going through cancer and in relationships can learn from it. 


2011 was an extremely difficult, tough, stressful, emotional and challenging year for me. With the diagnosis & treatment of cancer and the end of a relationship, I can only HOPE that 2012 will bring many wonderful & positive things my way.