That's a wrap for chemo...NOW on to radiation

Chemo #8 was exactly how I had expected it to be...horrible. It is so crazy what all of those chemo drugs do to your body and just how crappy they can make a person feel. It is definitely something that nobody should ever have to go through, but unfortunately it is the only way to get better. I had chemo on Thursday June 23rd, and didn't feel completely yucky until about Sunday...and the side effects are still wearing off now. Chemo makes me feel so exhausted! My energy feels like it has literally been zapped out of me. I cannot wait until I get my normal energy back and feel good again. During my really "bad chemo days" something so simple like walking up the stairs in my house, or having a conversation with someone, completely drains me. You would think that I would be able to sleep more through all of this since feeling so exhausted...but I have experienced just the opposite. I have had really bad insomnia through all of my treatments, maybe due to the steroid they have me on that makes me restless, the chemo drugs themselves, or straight anxiety, but I have only been able to take a few naps through this whole thing, and I am unable to fall asleep at a normal bedtime, so am up all night trying to get "sleepy." Trust me, I try forcing myself to sleep more, but it seems impossible and I hate having to take medication to make myself fall asleep. 

I am happy to say that I have finished up all 8 chemo treatments! It seemed like I would never get to the end of my chemo treatments...and here I am now, done. Although I am SO thrilled to be finished and am beyond relieved that I do not have another chemo treatment next week, I also do not feel quite ready to bust out the champagne and celebrate. I have gotten the impression that people think that I am done now that I am finished with chemo, but I still have to start & finish my radiation treatments and have that whole unknown "journey" to go through...which from what I hear, can be horrible all in itself. So let's put a hold on the celebratory party for now...at least until after a clear scan and I finish my radiation treatments...then a HUGE party is definitely in order! 

I am mostly just terrified to get too excited about anything until first, I get a scan done that shows that there is no longer any cancer lingering in my body, and second, when I get through and finish all of my radiation treatments. I just do not feel like I am quite finished with anything yet until I am completely done with ALL treatments and told that I am in  remission. It is crazy how cancer can really make a person lose all optimism at times. My way of thinking is that I never would have thought that I could get cancer at 25 years old in the first place, and if something that bad can happen to me, than anything bad can happen at anytime...if that makes sense? Which scares me further about my upcoming scan at the end of July and whether or not that will show clear. Having cancer has instilled a fear in me that I never had before. It has made me realize just how little control we have over things. Now I know that this is not logical, but pre-cancer, I assumed that because I did not smoke, did not do drugs, only drank alcohol occasionally, ate healthy, went to the gym, adopted stray animals, and felt like I was overall a good person, that something horrible like cancer just would not happen to me. I'm not saying that I thought people who have cancer deserved it in ANY way, but I just assumed that by doing all of the "right things" in life that I was kind of insuring myself against getting something so horrible. I guess you could call me naive. I am not trying to make this a negative post...but I emotionally feel a little mixed up about this whole situation at times, and the question of "WHY?" enters my mind often. 

I will have a whole month of (almost) no appointments before starting radiation, and this is SO exciting to me! I will also have time to hopefully start feeling better now that I will not have another chemo treatment to make me feel so awful. Since I was getting chemo every other week, usually right as I would start to finally feel better a week or so after chemo, I would have to get another treatment and start all over again with the disgusting feeling from the side effects. I plan on taking the time off of no chemo or appointments and just resting lots and hopefully letting my body start to heal and prepare for the radiation treatments that lay ahead. This will be perfect timing to celebrate my birthday! Who would have thought last year that all I would want for my birthday this year is a clear PET scan and to be cancer free???

Hoping that my birthday wish comes true!

7 chemo treatments under my belt...1 more to go!

I finished chemo #7, and now have just one more to complete on June 23rd! Hopefully that will be my last time EVER receiving any type of chemotherapy. This whole experience has been horrible, and especially as I get closer to finishing, it has just gotten worse and worse. I was told by my Doctor that I will have a PetScan done sometime at the end of July to check my progress and make sure the chemo has killed all of those nasty cancer cells...GOD I hope it did! I honestly do not think that I can endure more chemo than I already have. Just the thought of chemo #8 makes me ill to think about. This will be my first scan since starting chemo, and to be honest, it completely terrifies me!! The thought of having to wait and receive those results gives me a full on panic attack. Assuming everything is clear, I will then move on to radiation. I should be starting that in August at some point, and will find out the exact number of treatments after the results of my PetScan come back. 

I've experienced horrible pain in my esophagus once again...what's new? But this has definitely been the worst it has been so far. I finally convinced my Oncologist that a burning/painful esophagus is NOT good, so he gave me some liquid Carafate to take 4 times a day...which has really not done much for my poor esophagus at all. The pain was so intense on Sunday night that my mom had her purse in hand and was ready to drive me to the emergency room. I am completely against sharing prescription medications...but was willing to try anything to avoid a dreadful night in the E.R., so I tried one of my dad's Protonix (used to treat GERD) and was so happy that it eased the pain and burning rather quickly and I was able to avoid a hospital visit. Don't worry my pharmacy friends...I will be getting a prescription of my own for it :) 

My anti-nausea medications have continued to stop me from vomiting (although I still feel nauseous), but like with most meds. can bring on a whole new bout of side effects....to be honest, they make you completely constipated! Sorry if that's a little too much info. but I have vowed from the beginning to keep this blog real...and that's what I am going to continue to do. So I am then forced to take more meds. to help with those side effects...see how this can just keep going on and on? Never ending! You basically have to treat one side effect with a medication that then gives you another side effect, etc... I've also dealt with the intense muscle aches & pains, mostly under my arm pits and my neck...they get really swollen and sore to touch. My Doctor said that this is caused by one of the chemo drugs that I receive (Vinblastine). Have I mentioned that I cannot wait to be done with all of this??

Some good news...I got a lung function test done last week before chemo #7 to see how my lungs are holding up from all of this toxic chemo I've been getting, and my results came back good! Or at least good enough to finish up chemo and not have to take out the Bleomycin (one of my chemo drugs I receive that is very toxic to my lungs). I also had some more blood work done before chemo #7, and my white blood cell count is still pretty good, no need for any shots to boost it so far...which is great news.

A few people who I have met that are survivors of cancer have told me that having cancer and going through this "journey" actually turned out to be a blessing for them. I am definitely not ready to say that it has been a blessing to go through any of this, but I will say that some things have become more clear than before I had cancer and there are some positive things that have come out of it that I want to acknowledge...

•  Although I was quite appreciative before, I am now even more thankful for the wonderful family and friends that I have in my life. The support and love that I have received has been overwhelming & amazing, and I am forever thankful. Having cancer has allowed me to quickly distinguish those who really care about me, from those who do not.  
• Since I was first diagnosed with cancer I have had friends, friends of friends, neighbors, etc. that immediately put me into contact with other people they knew who have either already battled cancer, or are still in the middle of battling it. Having these people to reach out and talk to has been so amazing. I have been able to form my own little support group, and am able to compare other people's experiences with my own. I find all of these people to be so inspirational, and if I had not been diagnosed with cancer, I would most likely never have had the opportunity to get to know any of them. 
• I now know just how fragile life is. Tomorrow really is not guaranteed, so it is important to get the most out of life. I feel that I truly know what is important in my life, and this experience has allowed me to reassess some of my goals and what I want for my future.
•  Even with as awful as this has been for me, I have seen that it can always be worse. No matter how bad you think that you have it or how terrible your situation is, there is almost always somebody else out there who has it way worse than you. This has made me want to be kinder and more patient with people, because you never know what somebody else is going through. When I have my wig on and am out getting some coffee or lunch, nobody would ever be able to tell that I am a cancer patient in the middle of chemotherapy. 

• I will never take feeling good and having energy for granted. After knowing what it feels like to truly feel rundown and sick, I have such a great appreciation for the times that I feel well and "healthy." Cancer has taught me to not take your good health for granted. Although I have cancer at 25, I had no symptoms before being diagnosed, and feel that I did not truly appreciate being healthy and active...until now. 

Thank you so much again to all of my family, friends, friends of friends, co-workers, neighbors, other cancer survivors, strangers, etc. that have been so awesome and showed me so much love and support! Everybody has been so great to me! I have received cards in the mail, emails, phone calls, text messages, etc. and they all mean SO much to me. It is such a great feeling when I get comments on here or emails from people who have stumbled upon my blog who are also fighting cancer or who are the family member of somebody who has cancer, and they say that this blog has helped them...it's the BEST feeling. 

Even though I am the one fighting cancer, it is a great feeling to know that I have so much support behind me...it really makes me feel like I am not fighting this alone. 

I just want to add on here that I am doing a walk on October 22nd for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. It is called Light The Night Walk, and I have heard from other people who have previously participated that it is such a great event. I have never participated in an event where I attempt to raise money for a cause, but have heard so many wonderful things about The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, and trust that the money being raised is truly going to move them closer to finding a cure for blood cancers, and helping people like myself. If you are interested at all in donating any amount, just go to the link below, this is my fundraising page. Or if you prefer, you could do the walk yourself and set up your own fundraising page!

http://pages.lightthenight.org/sac/Sacra11/SHolmes

Thank you so much!

6th chemo down...2 more to go!

There is some light at the end of the "chemo tunnel!" I had my 6th chemo treatment on Thursday May 26. I had such a hard time getting myself ready for this treatment because absolutely every ounce of me did NOT want to go. You see, the good thing is I now know what to expect with each chemo treatment....and the bad thing is I now know what to expect with each chemo treatment. Even thinking of and typing that word makes me queasy. I am just really starting to dread the entire process...I'm not saying that I didn't absolutely dread it before, but it has definitely gotten a lot worse with each round...if that's possible. 

The day of my chemo treatment is always so depressing. I normally have it at about 2:30 p.m. so I'm pretty much spending those days waiting until that time to go get "poisoned." When I get to the Oncology department is when the reality sets in that I am a "real" cancer patient arriving to my chemotherapy appointment...not a good feeling. The whole atmosphere is pretty dreary. I am always the youngest patient there, so often get lots of stares directed my way. And the waiting area is just packed full of people, and most look so sick and lifeless...not that I look much better, but it just makes the whole setting seem mournful. When I am called back to get my chemo treatment, the sick feeling in my stomach really starts up. I am given anti-nausea medications to stop me from feeling nauseous/vomiting, and then the nurse gives the pharmacy the "okay" to put together my 4 drug chemotherapy combo. The nurse cleans, numbs, and "accesses" my port and then gets ready to start pumping me full of the yucky drugs. During my last chemo, even the sight of these drugs made me want to vomit...especially the bright reddish pink one (Adriamycin). I have no idea how I am going to get through 2 more treatments without getting sick. Everything about chemo makes me feel disgusting and nauseous. It's like going out drinking shots of tequila ALL night and then getting sick from it and thinking about what you drank the next day...complete stomach turn and watery mouth...UGH!

With chemo #6, I again did not feel the horrible side effects until about Sunday night. My face started to turn a dark orange/red color, my skin started to feel irritated, my stomach got really queasy, esophagus burned horribly, hands & feet were tingly, severe pain in my neck & chest, and I felt weak, tired, & lethargic. This lasted until today before it has started to slowly wear off...and I have been HATING every second of how I have felt. My sense of smell is so strong, and my taste buds are dull. Nothing tastes right, even water has the nastiest taste! It is so hard to drink a lot of water during those really bad days because it tastes like chemicals to me. 

On a more positive note, my white blood cell count has been good enough that I have not had to get any shots to boost it...I heard they are very painful. Often times, people's chemo treatments gets postponed due to a low white blood cell count, but my counts have been hanging in there pretty good so I have not had to postpone any treatments. Also, my hair has started to grow back. It is very sparse, but it seems to be getting longer. It still looks ridiculous so I often wear a wig or a head scarf when I go anywhere. I was concerned about it growing back since I am still going through chemo and thought that since cells are dying, nothing should be growing yet...but when I asked my Doctor about it he said it is normal...hopefully he is right, since he also said that my burning esophagus is "GOOD," obviously he has never felt the pain of a burning esophagus, because there is nothing good about it. 
  
One of the many hard parts of having cancer and going through chemo is trying to make people understand just how sick and exhausted I feel from my treatments. No matter how I try to explain it, nobody will fully know unless they experience it themselves. Fortunately, most people in my life have been SO amazing and understanding...I appreciate them so much. If I had to choose something positive that has come with having cancer, it is that I truly know now who my "real" friends & family are, and will forever be grateful to those people & keep them close in my life.
I am surprised by some people that I know who have not even said one word to me through this (I think that it is always better to say something rather than nothing), or there have been those who have not been very understanding when I haven't felt well enough to attend an event or hang out like I used to. As much as I would love to continue living life normally right now...my life is anything but that. Don't get me wrong, I love to try doing "normal" things when I am feeling well enough and have the energy to do so, but I am just surprised that some people have acted upset or mad at me when I have not been able to, it really is so selfish of them...and at this point I have no room in my life for selfish people. It is not like I am just battling a cold here...I am battling something much more serious. I don't expect people to treat me "special," but just have some respect for how I may be feeling from my treatments and not get offended or take it personally if I pass on an invite. 

My next chemo (#7) is on Thursday June 9th, please send lots of good thoughts my way :) 
I wish so badly that I was already finished and had no more chemo treatments left...but I'm just grateful to be in the homestretch. I am really hoping that radiation is a breeze compared to chemo...from what other people have told me, it's about 50/50. About half have said it is super easy compared to yucky chemo....and the other half have said it was worse. Each person's experience is so different, I guess I will just have to find out for myself. Thank you SO much again for all of the good thoughts and prayers!! They are VERY much appreciated!!